


Destination Home

by failurebydesign



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Oral Sex, Pining, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-22 21:49:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 36,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6095123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/failurebydesign/pseuds/failurebydesign
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam has never felt sexy, so it's quite a shock when he's nominated as Attitude Magazine's "Sexiest Man of the Year." It's something that causes a "cosmic shift" of some sorts in Liam's life, leaving him mixed up and full of questions. What if what he's wanted was staring him in the face all along? In story of self discovery, Liam must overcome several obstacles to find who he truly is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Destination Home

**Author's Note:**

> After months of pulling out my hair, it's finally here! Please note: this is mostly canon-compliant, however in this story, our precious Freddie Tomlinson does not exist. I felt it complicated the story far too much to bring in something so personal and intimate that up until recent, we knew so little about.
> 
> You can find the lovely companion playlist by [bohemu](http://bohemu.tumblr.com/) over [here](http://8tracks.com/bohemu/destination-home) as well as the cover for the playlist [here](http://i.imgur.com/1EMMUud.jpg). Special thanks for your contributions and the name of the mix which in turn is being adopted as the title for the final work.
> 
> Thank you to the lovely [MissLii](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MissLii) for being my beta through my struggles with autocorrect and an awful head cold. Your hard work and patience is greatly appreciated!
> 
> Thank you as well to [glazedsun](http://archiveofourown.org/users/glazedsun) for giving it all a final look-through, despite having your own stories to complete and listening to my complaining (and freaking out when most of what I've written ended up being actual canon, yikes!) for months on end.

It comes as a shock when he reads the headline -- Attitude Awards Sexiest Man of the Year recipient: Liam Payne. Self-esteem was never one of his strong points and if he’s honest, he doesn't feel all that sexy.

His mum, as she typically does, absolutely gushes over the news and tells just about anyone who will listen, which leaves him feeling downright embarrassed. Immediate regret follows when his father calls to congratulate him on such a high honor -- even if it's for a gay magazine.

A prickly heat washes over his cheeks, leaving his ears and neck hot when he receives an expected, ribbing text from Ruth. It's never unusual for Ruth to tease him, but it's always with love. Still, the thought of a photoshoot, him wearing God knows how little, makes his heart beat a little faster. That's when Liam shuts his phone off.

They aren't meaning to be offensive, just supportive of Liam's achievements regardless of the platform, knowing the types of things they've found regarding him across the internet over the years. He doesn't know what winning the title means, just hopes that he'll be taken seriously, even if it is based solely on looks. It's quite a crown for someone who's never been called sexy in his early years. While most would grow an ego, Liam just hopes he can fill this role with nothing but gratuity.

Liam enjoys lunch, for the most part, and Sophia doesn't press when he refuses to talk about the award. He's never been one to brag about his accomplishments and isn't about to start. Instead, they listen to Andy come up with a voice and outlandish back story for his newest tattoo idea -- a wide-eyed owl he's named Olivier. Sophia just rolls her eyes, fondly, of course, but Liam laughs until his stomach aches, thankful for the distraction. When they get back to NYC, they're going to get tattoos, they decide.

Full from lunch and feeling content, Paddy leads them back to the hotel where, luckily, no one has congregated outside just yet. Liam ducks his head and slips inside of the building, holding tight to Sophia's hand. They pass Lottie in the hallway and Sophia doesn't even have to give him "the look”, he just playfully sighs, kisses the top of her head and tells them to have fun shopping. FIFA with Andy it is.

Liam feels good. But once he turns his phone back on and sees three new voicemails, that feeling fades and he wishes he'd left it buried in his pocket. The first, he saw coming; it's from his assistant to inform him of potential contact from Attitude Magazine. They're looking for an interview with a cover and full spread photo shoot if he's willing. The second is from Attitude themselves. The third message is from Louis, calling him a right twat for not answering his phone.

Louis stops by for FIFA, friends and some pizza in tow, which is as good as an excuse as any to ignore any business calls he's supposed to be returning. It isn't unlike any other night when they get together and yell at each other over a video game. Liam's team keeps shitting the bed -- Andy can't multitask when pizza's involved and Liam's conversation just isn't there. But when he steals the ball and scores on Louis' team, that's when the game ends. One of Louis' friends, Calvin, casually tosses the word ‘fag’ in Liam's direction. He barely catches it, but it still rings out in his mind, doing what it was meant to -- hurt.

"That isn't funny," Liam wrinkles his nose. It isn't something he's ever brought attention to, so why now? He blames the magazine and how it begins to consume his every thought. They, a gay magazine, want to interview him. Young, straight male with a girlfriend Liam Payne. The same Liam who's been criticized as homophobic over a television show he'd watch on occasion. He stopped watching it after that incident, much to Sophia's dismay. She did get one of the television personalities to wish him a happy birthday, after all.

"Oi, Liam, it's just banter." Louis slaps his shoulder and Liam can feel the bile rise up. If anyone should know how hurtful it is to have a gay slur hurled at them, it's Louis. To have every constant move analyzed and criticized has become their lives. But if Louis chooses to ignore that, then maybe it's best for Liam to let it go.

Louis doesn't react and neither do his friends. They just continue on taking the piss out of one another. So he does what he knows is best and lets it go. They play for another good hour, Louis having downed far too many beers and Liam not saying much other than a few words here and there, not that anyone notices every time he falls silent.

"Well, Payno," Louis stands, a bit wobbly on his feet. "Think it's time I give the missus a call." He smells of cigarette smoke and stale beer and something tells Liam not to let him go, but Louis' made his decision. It's one that Liam knows Louis will have to face on his own. As far as Liam knows, Louis doesn't even have a ‘missus’, just a string of blonde women he reaches out to now and again.

Liam pulls Louis into a hug, pats his back and thinks nothing of it when Louis leans his head against his shoulder.

“We'll have a writing sesh soon, alright?” Louis’ tone is filled with promise and he lingers when he pulls back, giving the bottom of Liam's jumper a little tug.

“Yeah, soon,” Liam agrees and ignores the warm feeling he gets when Louis is like this. He doesn't act that way with any of his other friends. Something about the way he can be both soft and teasing with Liam makes him feel like they're always been the best of friends, like he's special. He ignores the incessant giggling of Louis’ little entourage. They couldn't possibly understand their bond.

“Anyway,” Louis straightens up and gives Oli an eye roll that Liam almost misses. “Got some plans that need attending to.”

"You enjoy that wank," Andy laughs, makes an obscene hand gesture and Louis, who looks more impressed than angry.

“Nice,” Louis responds with a high five. “Can't even be mad at that one.”

"See ya, Payno," Louis waves when he heads down the hall, his friends already halfway down the other end. "Wait for me, shitheads!" He yells out, voice echoing in the open hallway.

“See ya, Payno,” Andy sing-songs when Louis is through the door and it's closed tightly behind him. His voice doesn't say bitter or angry, but one that sounds beyond smitten. Which Liam knows is complete bullshit.

Liam wants to tell Andy to shut his mouth, that he's being ridiculous with such implications. He's close with Louis -- have been for a few years. But not like that.

“Come on, don't act like it isn't obvious,” Andy laughs. “Do you even pay attention to the way he stares at you half of the time?”

Maybe Liam has noticed. He'll catch Louis staring at him in the middle of a song or when Liam jumps up excitedly when he finally beats Andy in a round of FIFA. It's something that Liam's always brushed off as a sign of pride. Any other assumption isn't his to make, anyway.

It's a welcoming change when Sophia and Lottie return not long after, juggling bags and lattes with matching smiles.

"Where's my brother?" Lottie asks, dropping a few shopping bags on the floor.

"I can give you a hint," Andy begins, complete with hand gestures.

"Inappropriate." Liam shakes his head and has to nudge him, hard, to get him to stop. Maybe it's because Lottie has become a current fixture in their lives, Sophia's especially, that Andy sees nothing wrong with a dirty joke, but Liam isn't letting it slide without comment. Lottie is still just a teenager, after all.

"Ew!" Lottie screws up her face and picks up her bags faster than she set them down. "I'm going to go bleach my brain."

"Thanks, Andy," Sophia sighs and gives Lottie a kiss on the cheek. "Don't forget, you're doing my nails tomorrow."

"Of course," Lottie smiles, grabs her bags and turns to Liam. "Maybe teach Andy some manners?" She says with a wink and sticks her tongue out at him before she's off.

Finally, after a few rounds of cards and a bit more inappropriate banter, Andy retreats to his own room for the night and leaves Liam to face both Sophia and the prospect of his future interview.

"I think you should do it, it's an honor." Sophia purses her lips and is as always the voice of reason, even when Liam doesn't want to hear it. He loves her brutal honesty -- it reminds him of Louis, in a way, though with added comfort that often follows.

"But I'm not gay." Liam says it, then repeats himself, mostly as reassurance. What he doesn't tell Sophia is that he's had a thought here and there, but chalks it all up to curiosity. He doesn't think it means anything. Not when he'd never act on it. It's normal to be curious, to wonder what one sees and feels when it's a scenario you're not used to.

"I know," Sophia answers. "Plenty of people who've been on the cover are straight. But," she begins and hooks her arms around Liam's waist. Liam wonders if her gentle features and soft tone are telling, as if she knows something he doesn't. "I'd love you even if you were. You're a good person. Do the interview."

Liam waivers. He doesn't think she'd continue to love him if he were actually gay. They couldn't date anymore if that were the case. But she's right about the amount of straight artists Attitude has interviewed without anyone giving it a second thought, and he knows there's no arguing that logic.

** 

A photo shoot is held just four days after Liam's conversation with Sophia. He's nervous for most of the day, mostly worried about what type of wardrobe he's about to be presented with.

Liam is paired up with a stylist who luckily, he’s been working with for years. Ellie can tell he's tense when he walks in and nods to her assistant, Laura, who is all smiles.

“Don't worry,” she tells Liam when she leads him over to the rack of clothing that looks surprisingly like his style. “Laura and I have found the perfect pieces for you.”

“This is supposed to be fun,” Laura, the assistant adds, beginning to pull a few items from the rack.

Ellie takes charge, is easy going and doesn't pressure him into stripping down to just his pants, which is nice. Laura keeps it light with a joke or two, but promises there won't be any revealing shots today.

Liam's been caught on the balcony or on the beach in next to nothing, but it's always been candid, never posed. Even if it's something the fans would love, he can't picture his mum flipping through a magazine spread with photos of him so exposed.

“Try this on,” Ellie says with a smile, and hands him a nice white henley. It's more him than a racy photoshoot any day.

After a quick change, he's led to one room where the shoot is to be held. At one end is a long, peach couch where he anticipates he'll be spending most of the shoot. But there's a piano, too, that he can't keep his eyes off of.

“‘Ello, Liam, I'm Leigh, your photographer for the day.” A tall, blond man with an Australian accent holds out his hand. “You like the piano?” He asks with a nod in its direction.

“I play a bit,” Liam grins when they shake. “Could we shoot a few there?”

“Only if you promise to play us something,” Leigh responds with a cheeky wink.

“Keep it in your pants,” another laughing voice, the creative director, says. His voice was no mystery to Liam. He had met Joseph earlier that day, and they had spoken briefly over the phone days prior to the shoot. 

Leigh simply shrugs, not at all trying to hide his smirk. He has a flirty yet professional air about him that against all odds makes Liam comfortable, even after he's asked to sprawl out on the sofa.

“But yes, we'll be shooting a few photos there, don't you worry.” Joseph smiles. “We'll start with the chair, first.”

The first few poses, he hardly thinks about. Several snaps are taken before Liam knows it. When Leigh smiles and deems him a natural, he chalks it off as a good effort in part due to the hair and makeup team, who had him sit in the chair for a good forty-five minutes.

His hair is messier than he or even Lou normally styles it, looking like he's fresh out of the shower. He doesn't think his smolder is natural until he remembers it's something Louis always points out in his selfies with a loud laugh. Liam can almost hear him now, making a light joke about his ‘bedroom eyes’ as he calls them.

The photoshoot is over before Liam knows it and he can't even remember why he was nervous in the first place. The majority of his poses came naturally after years of magazine covers and posters, though most of the time he had four other people at his side.

They break for tea and even though Liam has the option to leave if he'd like, he sits with the team. He learns that not all of them are familiar with his music or who the band consists of outside of Harry, but that's okay. It allows him to feel normal.

“So what is it like to be Liam Payne, member of the world's biggest boyband?” Leigh asks in between bites of a salad.

“We're doing the interview now?” Liam deadpans, making the crew around him laugh. 

“No,” Leigh gives a comforting smile. “Just some small talk.”

Liam learns that, like Sophia, Leigh studied fashion before landing his job as a photographer for Attitude. Ellie is just as passionate about fashion, leading the conversation in what's hot for the year.

He doesn't know much about clothing himself, just that some is more expensive than others. Liam's slowly learning what he likes, though he'd be lying if he said that years of having stylists dress him didn't help mold his tastes.

Most of what Liam wore for the photoshoot was simple but nothing he'd refuse to wear outside. He thinks about what the other boys would wear in this situation -- Harry in something floral and Niall with the Newsies cap he won't take off. The best image, though, is one of Louis, cross-legged on the sofa in some Adidas joggers and a jumper that's two sizes too big. It's not like Louis can't dress himself, Liam knows more than anyone he cleans up nicely. But he also knows there's nothing that Louis is more comfortable in than a good pair of joggers.

Like the shoot, the interview goes smoothly. Admittedly, it's the part Liam was less worried about. He's done plenty of interviews in his lifetime and knows what topics are appropriate to cover. Liam's proud of himself for being candid and speaking out on things that are important to him and not getting too involved in the things that aren't.

There's a good bit of banter back and forth -- things that Liam knows won't make the interview, until he cracks a joke about marrying Louis. Not that he can. Louis is taken. Sort of. At least there's a blonde or two that he's sleeping with regularly, but Liam thinks ‘taken’ sounds a little less scandalous. Louis’ secrets aren't his to spill. But point is he's grown close to Louis over the years. Close enough to plan a platonic wedding if they were into that sort of thing. It hits him, he'd just exposed his slight man crush on his best friend to the world. There's no way they're omitting that unexpected nugget of information.

So Liam moves on to what he thinks will balance things out and gushes about his girlfriend above all. He doesn't bring her up out of necessity, but he's asked about Sophia and is happy to tell about the woman who pushed him to do the interview.

“We've talked about marriage.” Liam explains, opening up about something he's been afraid to talk about until then. He doesn't mention the time he asked Louis if he should buy Sophia a ring. It was right after they'd gotten back together a second time and Louis literally smacked some sense into him. Liam knows Sophia would be the perfect wife, though. When the world around him grows dark, she's there as his safety net. 

Sophia is the one who promised she'd always be honest, after growing upset they'd miss spending Valentine's Day together. He recalls how silent she was when they drove to the airport. They didn't exchange any harsh words or raise their voices. Sophia had simply just stopped talking. Even her goodbye kiss left Liam cold when she walked away.

Instead of romance and roses, Liam spent the night throwing back pints with a heartbroken Louis and the morning after nursing quite an impressive hangover. He'd had roses sent to Sophia, apology and all, though really, it wasn't his fault she had exams to take. Liam almost forgot about the Tiffany bracelet his mum had helped deliver to her until he received the thank you text during a greasy afternoon fry up with Louis. It was a stupid fight, but one nonetheless.

When Louis was well fed and a little less worse for wear, Liam sent him off to shower and gave his girlfriend a call. Louis’ breakup with Eleanor had been rough on him, but Liam hadn't even considered that Sophia was almost as broken up. She'd lost a constant friend -- the one person who seemed to know what it was like to date such an in demand popstar.

He doesn't get too into detail about what it's like to date Sophia. It isn't easy. There's the distance, the complete lack of privacy and occasional row between them. It isn't the world's most sought after relationship, but Liam means it when he says he loves her eyes. He's always fancied her, far before she even knew his name. She's always been untouchable to him, back when he was just a shy, awkward boy. Liam likes to think his growing up, getting fit and finally asking her out is what finally lands him the woman of his dreams.

He's asked about a few different things, one being if he's jealous of the conspiracy theories that surround Louis and Harry. Liam cringes, because if one thing upsets him, it's seeing his bandmates caught up in some sort of rumor he can't do anything about. He's seen all kinds of things over the years -- artwork both impressive and obscene, tweets and blogs and countless theories about how much the management controls every little movement. Ridiculous things that he doesn't quite understand. He shrugs off the theories that involve him and Zayn and laughs about the ones he's accidentally created with Niall, but knows there's a darker side to it all as well.

There's a slight hesitation in talking about natural interactions and he can't help but wonder if it was that way when he'd seen Louis, years back, asleep with his head in Harry's lap. Or if Louis’ constant need to be touching him instead of Harry these days is a coincidence or premeditated. Liam doesn't overthink it, just carries on with the interview.

Overall, Liam leaves feeling pretty good about himself. He doesn't know what he was afraid of -- the interview itself or just the idea of it. They didn't ask him anything difficult and it was quite easy to relax and be honest about everything. He still doesn't feel sexy, but he's content.

**

Liam is late getting to the stadium, as usual. He finds Niall and Harry sitting before the familiar blue and white tablecloth, picking at fruit and leaning in close to chat. For an outsider, it would scream intimate, but Liam overhears the phrase ‘double eagle’ and knows better.

“Niall, you're really leaving us to go pro, aren't you?” Liam laughs when Niall sits up and demonstrates his best golf swing, nearly knocking the fruit platter over in the process.

“He still needs practice,” Harry says fondly.

“Gonna have to stop tripping over your own feet first.” Liam grabs himself an empty plate and drops down a few strawberries, and then creme on top. It's uncharacteristically quiet, despite the chatter of the surrounding crew. “Tommo not here yet?”

“Nah, later than you.” Niall dips a piece of pineapple in the creme on Liam's plate and smiles when he pops it into his mouth. “Lazy arse.”

“I heard that, Niall.” Louis’ voice floats into the room, followed by the chatter of his entourage that remain close behind. “‘Least I showed. Coulda took a jet right out of here.” He shrugs and plucks a strawberry from Liam's plate with a proud grin. “Eh, Payno?”

Harry looks down at his plate and tugs his bottom lip between his teeth. It's a decent attempt to not laugh at Louis’ wisecrack. Liam doesn't find it as funny. Jokes about quitting became less fun the minute their group of five became four. 

“No fun at all.” Louis shakes his head and goes for a second strawberry, but Liam reacts and turns his body away.

“Get your own food!”

“What's it look like I'm trying to do?” Louis makes a second move towards the plate, and somehow, the two of them wind up wrestling on the floor.

Preston hurries in at the ruckus, Paddy not too far behind, but neither seem shocked when Liam pins a kicking Louis down. Niall thinks it's funny to throw little pieces of popcorn at them and Harry, amused, joins in.

“Alright, alright, enough,” Paddy finally says, though by then, both boys are laughing and out of breath. “Let's go, we've got things to do.”

Liam is sheepish when he stands and dusts himself off, but Louis, not surprisingly, remains sitting on the ground and tries to trip Liam when he attempts to walk away. He shakes his leg, breaks free of Louis’ grip and makes a run for it.

“Come back here!” Louis springs to his feet and chases Liam, weaving through doors and people and obstacles until Liam slips inside of his makeshift dressing room.

“I've got to get dressed, Tommo.”

“Nah,” Louis motions to Liam's joggers with a grin. “Lower ‘em down a little like Australia, boost ticket sales.” His hand flies out, straight for the waistband and all Liam can picture is someone walking in the moment Louis thinks it's funny to pull them down. 

Liam grabs his wrist, holds it still and doesn't laugh, even when Louis admits defeat. He's been late for just about every interview this month and is determined to make it to today's, with or without Louis. The determination in Louis’ eyes matches his and Liam knows exactly what game is being played. It's Louis who is doing the opposite, making Liam late on purpose. 

He's in the middle of changing into a button up shirt when his phone buzzes, loud against the wooden tabletop. 

"Payno," Louis wolf whistles.

“Great,” Liam thinks, Sophia has texted him a naughty photo. And now Louis’ seen it. 

“Louis, if you're looking at my girlfriend,” He begins and peers over Louis’ shoulder. There are worse things than a picture or two of Sophia on his phone, yet Louis finding any compromising photos of himself doesn't bother him nearly as much.

Louis thumbs through a few outtakes -- the ones Liam had requested be emailed to him after the shoot. He'd forgotten all about them until now. A few poses are a bit more seductive than he thought he could pull off but Louis stops on one, Liam smirking in a tight red shirt and grins. “That'll sell a few magazines.”

“You like that one?” Liam bites his lip and feels the warmth in his cheeks. “I dunno, I look more sad than sexy, don't you think?”

“Liam,” Louis shakes his head and rests a hand on Liam's shoulder. It's a gentle touch, reassuring along with his words. “Show that to Sophia. If she doesn't climb all over you after seeing that, find someone who will.”

It should probably be a weird compliment coming from one of his best friends, but oddly enough, it's comforting to hear. If Louis approves, the photos can't be all that bad. Still, he ducks his head and shakes it in disbelief. He's never quite learned how to take compliments, especially when a wiggle of Louis’ eyebrows follows.

“Liam, you'd better be decent and in my chair in exactly one minute, or else I'm sending in Lottie!” Lou yells from outside of his dressing room. 

“Ooh, not my baby sister,” Louis yells back, even though they both know he's not supposed to be in there so close to showtime.

“Louis, you'd better be dressed. You're next!” Lottie’s voice chimes in, followed by an audible sound of disgust that only makes them laugh.

“You'd better go, she might tell your mum.” Liam teases. He changes into a button up shirt and is busy fastening the buttons when Louis presses a palm to his lower back. Just a soft, simple gesture that is so Louis.

“Guess you're right. Don't want her to take away my toys.” Louis holds up a water gun with a sly grin, one that he must have swiped while Liam was distracted.

“Be a real shame,” Liam laughs. He won't admit it, but it's his favorite part of the night when it's just him and Louis, running across the stage and getting as messy as possible. It's why fruit is banned from their rider and why there's strict orders all keys for the golf carts are hidden. Liam's always been a good kid, hard working and serious, but when Louis is around, all bets are off. Louis, loud and funny and carefree, transforms Liam into someone he's never thought he could be. For those short moments, running with cans of silly string and filling buckets with water, Liam actually thinks he might love who he is.

He tries not to think about what that really means -- that it's Louis who makes him feel alive.

**

As usual, the end of a show leaves Liam full of excess energy he somehow hasn't burnt off while he was both chasing and running from Louis just minutes ago. Louis slipped out the back before Liam was able to inquire about a writing session.

He's exhausted, but his fingers tingle with their need to be moving over the keys of his keyboard or writing down lyrics. Most of his proudest moments in writing have come long after everyone else has gone to bed.

“Have a good night!” Someone says when Liam follows Paddy through the stadium exit. He gives a polite nod, but is far too focused on slipping out unnoticed to stop for a chat. 

The ride back to his hotel is a quiet one, save for the soft buzz of his phone each time Sophia sends him another message. He smiles when she says she misses him. They've only been apart for a few hours and she's with Lottie, as usual, but she'll be back soon. It's easy to forget the things he shouldn't be thinking about when she's around.

Liam paces the empty suite when he finds that Sophia still has yet to return. He tries to write, but his mind can only focus on ridiculous things, like how hard Louis was laughing after shooting him point blank in the face with silly string.

He's already showered and in bed when Sophia lets herself in, stepping out of her heels and dropping her expensive handbag on a table.

“You asleep?” She asks softly.

“Mm,” Liam mumbles, stuck somewhere between conscious and asleep. He doesn't even remember falling asleep, the last thought of Louis’ laughter still stuck in a dark corner of his mind.

He'd prefer to sleep, not just for a few hours but for days if he could. With a tour to complete and an upcoming album to promote, there will be no rest for at least a few more months.

“You're so lazy,” Sophia says with a laugh when she slips out of her dress and beneath the covers. 

“Tired.”

Liam can feel Sophia's hands around his waist. She moves her body close, small and warm against his bare chest. He breathes in, her scent of flowers and perfume filling the air. Sophia peppers tiny kisses along his neck in a game he's all too familiar with. It's one that usually wakes him up without much effort. 

“Soph,” Liam moves a hand to her lower back, brushes his fingers over the lace waistband of her underwear, slow to open his eyes. “I haven't slept in ages.” He can't help but feel bad. If only she had returned an hour or so earlier, back when energy ran through him like a live wire.

“Close your eyes, I'll do the rest.” She unclasps her bra and is gentle in dropping it onto the floor. It's been at least a few days since they've been intimate, no thanks to Liam's taxing schedule.

He cups her breasts when their lips meet, Sophia letting out the softest of moans. Her skin is soft beneath his fingers as he slides them down to her flat stomach and over the lace fabric that lies below. 

Sophia doesn't waste any time tugging his joggers down and wrapping a hand around his dick. 

“Impatient?” Liam asks, breath hitching. He closes his eyes, exhaustion hitting him hard once more, and fights to stay awake long enough to at least give his girlfriend what she wants.

“Yeah,” she replies, pulling down her underwear and straddling Liam's waist. Sophia leans in for another desperate kiss, hips grinding down against Liam's hardening cock.

His mind wanders, the lyrics he's been writing, the water fight with Louis and the upcoming tour date all things that come to mind when he should be focused on Sophia. He slips a finger inside of her, already wet and slick. It makes her hips roll and her back arch.

“I need more than that,” she demands when Liam's fingers slow to a halt and she can tell he's distracted. “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing, just…” Liam forces himself to sit up, arms wrapping around her waist. It's harder than ever to focus when he closes his eyes momentarily and thinks about keeping them shut for a few hours. “Got a lot of work to do and no time to do it.” He tries to hide a yawn by pressing a kiss to her shoulder.

“Fine.” Sophia rolls off and pulls the sheet up over her body. She turns, back to Liam. It's her favorite way of making him feel guilty.

“I'll make it up to you, promise,” Liam says softly and slips his arms around her. She's silent, as he expects, she most often is when she's cross with him. He sighs, instantly feeling bad by her sudden cold shoulder. If he loved himself this afternoon, he doesn't anymore. Liam mumbles an apology, but she doesn't answer. All he can do is attempt to get a few hours of sleep.

**

Liam's awake before the sun comes up, the usual for him on most days. He lets Sophia sleep in, still feeling guilty for turning her down the night before. It's not that he doesn't want to touch her -- he usually does, but their schedules rarely sync up anymore. He's always busy and those rare moments when he's free, Sophia has exams to write or is flying off to Ibiza for a weekend.

He calls for breakfast, complete with mimosas as a peace offering to his less than impressed girlfriend. Paddy shows up with the bouquet that Liam requested of three dozen, long-stemmed red roses.

“Too much?” He asks when he opens the door and thanks Paddy repeatedly. There's a struggle getting them through the door, but once they're on the table, they look stunning.

“This is you and Sophia were talking about,” Paddy laughs.

Liam shrugs, knowing that Paddy's right. If it isn't a huge bouquet then it's some new jewelry, a car or a puppy. Though, the bigger things he reserves for Christmas.

Sophia sleeps for another hour after Paddy leaves, long after breakfast has gone cold. When she wakes up, Liam hasn't left her side.

“What's all this for?” She asks, pulling a long, silk robe tight around her body.

“I've been a proper dick, I know,” Liam replies and motions to the breakfast. “It's gone cold now, but I can order something new if you'd like.”

“Bacon and toast? I can't eat that.” Sophia shakes her head and fixes a cup of coffee. At least that's still warm. She takes a few pieces of fresh cut melon and grapes, really not much of a breakfast but it’s what she prefers. “Zoe’s on her way in anyway, so we're going to be quite busy for the day.”

Somewhere over the last few months, Liam's lost all sense of time. More often than not, as usual for the amount of touring they do, he and the others tend to forget what city they're even in. Four years of music and touring blend together quickly, though Liam admits he wouldn't have it any other way, even if it cost them a band member.

Sophia ends up leaving most of the breakfast, and even though she smells the roses with a smile, she doesn't say much else. She's in a hurry, quickly pulling on her coat and grabbing her clutch from the bedside table.

“I'll see you tonight, promise.” She gives him a quick kiss and slips out into the hallway, leaving him alone to his own devices.

Liam scoops up a spoonful of cold eggs, but they're rubbery and no good anymore. Silently, he beats himself up for trying but missing the mark. Sophia likes strawberries and black coffee, not bacon and eggs.

He feels another slight pang of guilt when he cleans up the mostly wasted breakfast, and his first thought is of Louis. Louis would have loved getting breakfast in bed, bacon and all. He may be particular about his tea, but Liam's never known Louis to turn down much, even if it was bloody awful. And quite a few things Liam's attempted to cook have been. Luckily, he's yet to give anyone food poisoning and has learned how to cook up quite a roast chicken. An amazing feat for someone who's only home for a few days a year.

Liam distracts himself with business calls, most involving the music he's written for artists who aren't One Direction. 

By noon, he's finished with most of his important business calls, just having sold one of the several songs he'd written that wasn't a perfect enough fit for the new album. Louis had fought for it, but Liam, being humble, agreed to explore other options with it. And somehow, it paid off.

When he reaches the makeshift studio, Louis is already there, sitting in a chair and drinking a beer.

“I sold it,” Liam says with a big grin.

“No shit, really?” Louis jumps up, eyes bright with excitement. “When? Today? To who?!”

“Those Irish kids, HomeTown, right?” Jamie, co-writer of said song chimes in, looking just as proud. “So it's final then?”

“And you didn't tell me?” Louis huffs in Jamie’s direction, but still pats Liam hard on the back. “My boy Payno, making us proud.” He slides an arm around Liam's waist and tugs at him until their hips bump together, just smiling at Liam.

“So, let's get to work?” Liam says, grin matching Louis’.

“Yeah, sit with me then.” Louis pulls Liam towards the chair, arm still hooked around his waist. Liam stumbles a bit, but does as he's told. It's a tight fit, since the sofa is made for one person, but they squeeze in, heads together as they look through the past few months of work on Louis’ laptop. 

Liam points to the song they've written with Jamie and grins. It most likely won't make the album, but he quite likes that one. He pokes Louis in the side and they laugh, almost forgetting they're not alone, but then they're interrupted by Julian clearing his throat.

“We allowed in your lovers nest or what?” Julian raises an eyebrow that makes Louis roll his eyes.

Liam ducks his head, sure he's blushing, without much understanding. Louis is just a mate, after all.

It feels like ages since they first met. Liam remembers how hard it was, the two of them at each other's throats, no compromise anywhere in sight. Liam didn't see it then, how they both had similar ideas but no sense of understanding one another. Instead, they argued.

Everyone around them saw how hard it was for the two of them to even be in a room together without butting heads. Somewhere along the way, amidst a big screaming match, they discovered just how alike their minds worked. The competition helped bring them closer, once Harry demanded they sit down and talk through their differences. Though, they still argued on occasion once the stage lights went down.

Then Julian had suggested they take a different approach, told them to try and write music together. It somehow brought them closer together than ever. Liam would be lying if he said there still wasn't a time or two when he wants to whack Louis in the head, but as the years pass, so does the need to argue. They just fit.

Now, they're quick to pair up in business and otherwise. When Liam's upset, needs a shoulder or just some advice, Louis is the first one he goes to.

Liam and Louis skip tea in favor of writing the melody for a piece they’ve been working on for weeks. Jamie brings the guitar and together they come up with a rough sound that Liam feels confident enough in putting lyrics to. They work so late, that even Julian steps out for a bit to get something for them to eat.

They work on several songs, adding in more lyrics. When Louis is ready to step out for a smoke, Julian comes back with some McDonald's and cans of soda.

“About time.” Louis tosses his pack of cigarettes onto the table in favor of a burger which he grabs from inside of the paper bag.

“Did you fuckers at least get any work done?” Julian asks, taking a burger for himself.

“Surprisingly,” Jamie nods, and they show him what they've accomplished in the short while he was gone.

After a good hour of passing Liam's laptop around, they collectively agree they've reached the point of not wanting to overwork the song. Liam thinks it’s a good time to call for a break.

Julian opens up his laptop to play a snippet of a demo they're working on and as usual, he's forgotten to close the browser from his prior extracurricular activities.

Jamie, being married and all, shakes his head and gives Julian a disapproving look that fools nobody.

“Julian, is that another awful porno?” Louis rolls his eyes and smacks Liam on the knee, hard. “Come on, let's see.”

“Ow! Christ, Tommo.” Liam rubs at his knee. He has to try his best to act uninterested in pornography by the off chance Sophia asks if he's watched any. Liam's shit at lying and he'd like to think he's a pretty good boyfriend, super faithful and all that.

Julian, however, doesn't miss a beat. He hits play and almost instantly, there's loud, graphic, rough sex between some busty brunette and a man whose face is mostly hidden.

“Not bad,” Louis shrugs. He turns to Liam, gives a dirty smirk and then does exactly what Liam should have seen coming -- gives his nipple a good, hard twist.

Liam opens his mouth to yelp but his voice gets caught in the back of his throat as his dick goes hard. He twists away and bats at Louis’ hand, hoping to hell his joggers are loose enough to conceal his boner. It's the porn, he tells himself, feeling a secondary twitch when the woman moans. Either way, it's the first time Liam’s even gotten a hard on in the studio.

“Can we just -- please?” Liam squeezes his eyes shut and counts to ten. If he thinks of something else, anything else, then hopefully he can get himself soft again before anyone notices. But all he can focus on are the soft, breathy grunts of the man in the video and suddenly he's picturing Louis, of all people. Louis’ mouth, open and wet, Louis’ hands sliding down his chest, Louis, hot and bent over and moaning and -- fuck, he needs to get out of there. There's a good chance he'll come right in his pants if he doesn't.

And then, luckily, his phone rings. Sophia.

“It’s the missus, gotta go.” Liam speaks quickly as he bolts for the door. He's never been more grateful for Sophia’s timing.

“I'm still out with Zoe and Lottie,” Sophia laughs into the receiver when Liam is finally alone and able to wrap a hand around his hard cock. “I just wanted to see if you were okay with taking a rain check on dinner.”

Liam sighs, but it's not the end of the world nor something a good wank can't fix. He'd prefer Sophia, obviously, especially after the night prior, but he’s left to settle for his own hand. Liam closes his eyes as he rubs his thumb over the head of his dick, voice growing slow and breathy throughout the conversation.

“Liam, are you touching yourself?” Sophia whispers teasingly into the phone. He can tell she's only acting shocked, but plays along.

“Maybe,” He grunts, in a failed attempt to be coy. There's no real time for dirty talk, he's already far too close for that and judging by Sophia's encouraging whispers, she too can tell.

“Go on,” she whispers again.

Just as Liam reaches up and pinches his nipple, the same one Louis grabbed earlier, his hips jerk up and he falls over the edge. He moans, low in his throat when he shoots ropes of come into his palm, eyes closed to picture Sophia, but it's Louis’ face that comes into view.

He lays on the couch long after Sophia’s hung up, tired and spent. Until he notices how sticky he is, and the realization of what he's just done starts to dawn on him. 

“Fuck,” is all he can say as he shuts his eyes.

**

Tour remains to be the most fun Liam has. He knows it's going to be a great show when he steps out under the lights and Louis gives him a covert wink.

The look might be because just an hour ago, Liam found his shoes filled with pasta, Louis none the wiser to Liam's dumping the contents into Louis’ rucksack in retaliation.

Their stupid games are almost enough to keep Liam's mind free from the secret, inappropriate thoughts he's been unable to shake, until a fan tosses a cupcake on stage.

Liam is none the wiser until he feels a slightly squishy pat on the back of his head. Louis looks proud, having just smeared as much frosting as he could into Liam's hair.

“You little shit!” Liam turns, but Louis is already halfway backstage. The last song is over and he's ready for an outfit change, anyway, though he doesn't know how he's going to quickly clean himself off.

Lou shakes his head when Liam scrubs a towel against the back of his head. Most of the frosting is gone, but Louis, nearby, still has half of a squashed cupcake. 

“Hungry?” Louis quips, holding up the cupcake.

“You stay the hell away from me!” Liam narrows his eyebrows, trying not to laugh. He won't admit it's kind of funny -- that'll just encourage Louis further.

And then Louis whips the cupcake, square into Liam's chest.

Liam watches at the cupcake falls to his feet, too dumbfounded to do much else. He should have expected Louis to play dirty. Just a few shows prior, Louis tried the same thing and ended up with a frosting covered cheek compliments of Liam.

It isn't until Liam is backstage, changing out of his dirty shirt that Louis seems brave enough to approach him. 

“You never thanked me for the cupcake,” Louis says with a snort. “A little ungrateful, don't you think, Liam?”

“Yeah?” Liam peels off the messy shirt. It's one of his favourites. His stylist already nearly had a fit when she had to get Powerade out of one shirt and attempt to sew up another, no thanks to Louis’ rough horseplay.

“Say thank you.” Louis crosses his arms over his chest, a bit like a spoiled child, and gives Liam an expecting look.

Liam drags his finger through the frosting, probably vanilla, and brings a hand up, smearing a bit across Louis’ nose in one swift movement. “Thank you.”

Louis’ nose immediately scrunches up and his wipes the frosting away with the back of his hand. He laughs, and Liam tries not to stare when he gives the sweet substance a little, curious lick.

“I deserved that,” Louis laughs and then narrows his eyes. “I'll get you later.” And just like that, he retreats, running back on stage to join the others.

Liam pulls on a new shirt, not that it's going to stay clean or dry. It'll be only a few more songs before Louis will want to get his revenge. 

The lights are low when Liam runs back out. Harry always stalls the best he can, taking the time to pick out one audience member each night to exchange a bit of banter with. Usually, it's a couple or someone with something unique like a long beard.

Liam doesn't know who he talked to this time around. He still can't shake the image of Louis’ tongue, pink, wet and locking away the small bit of frosting. 

It's lucky he doesn't have much longer to think about. Niall strums the guitar and they're launched back into their next block of songs.

Liam sways back and forth to Harry’s lines in Little Things, mouthing the words turned to Louis, who scrunches his nose and shakes his head. It's the usual for them, to play around through the entire song, the meaning of it having been lost ages ago. 

Louis holds his phone out at an arm’s length, taps Liam on the knee and laughs when they both come into view on the phone's screen. He snaps a photo, looks it over and goes for another, tongue out this time.

“That's a good one!” Liam says with his mouth close to Louis’ ear, speaking a bit louder than intended so that his voice carries over the screams and music. It's somehow become their thing, to take as many ridiculous selfies as they can together during tour, though Liam has yet to see half of them. A few times, Louis forgoes the selfie completely to snap a quick photo of just Liam and he always obliges, posing.

It's their last tour, at least for awhile. So Liam doesn't question it, even when he's almost certain Louis’ camera roll is full of photos of the two of them.

Harry runs down the catwalk wearing a rainbow flag as a cape. Something he's taken to doing almost nightly, simply because he loves love.

Liam thinks back to his interview when a few signs pop up, each one emblazoned with rainbows. It's a nice gesture, surely, until he squints at one and reads a rather obscene message involving two of his bandmates. Louis keeps his head low and fiddles with his earpiece, a sure sign that he's uncomfortable.

“Water fight?” Liam asks and gives Louis a startling pat on the back. He laughs when Louis jumps, and then even more when his eyes narrow.

“Better run, Payno!” Louis’ expression changes to one of delight when he pulls a water pistol from his back pocket and wiggles his eyebrows. Behind them, Harry twirls the flag, and then tosses it into the screaming crowd.

Liam thinks he has the upper hand when he grabs a full bottle of water and catches a can of silly string a fan tosses his way. Louis is preoccupied, knelt down and attempting to fill his empty water pistol with a can of Red Bull. Liam could easily rush over and attack, but it isn't like him to run at a man who's unarmed.

He waits until Louis lifts his head and then dumps the contents.

Louis shouts, runs off, and next thing Liam knows, he's being showered by an entire bucket of water. It's completely childish, maybe a little unprofessional and yet the most fun that Liam's ever had.

It's a great show in Liam's eyes. The crowd was as responsive as ever. He climbs into a waiting car, soaked down the bone by a mixture of water, Red Bull and something that smells a bit like cherry Powerade. Paddy nods his head when Liam is settled into the backseat and he reaches up, feeling something in his hair.

“Missed a bit?” Liam laughs, pulling on a small blue string, silly string, that’s stuck in his hair. 

Louis is likely in the same predicament, stuck sitting in his car with sticky, Red Bull-soaked skinny jeans. Liam shifts uncomfortably as he scrolls through the emails on his phone. A lot of it is spam, but one, from Attitude, catches his eye.

It's just a mockup of two different covers, one close up and the other a wide shot that he thinks he prefers -- it shows off his tattoos -- and a thank you for his participating in the cover feature. There's a second email from his PR team with instructions for promoting his covers. He doesn't need to tweet about it, but it's encouraged.

He's not in a tweeting mood, but feels proud. So, he types out a quick message, ‘Check out my covers,’ attaches the photos and hits send. There's bound to be countless replies, but he doesn't want to read them until he's gotten a decent amount of sleep first.

Paddy instructs the driver to pull the car around to the back of the hotel, where it's dark, quiet. It’s, quite luckily, the one place too many fans haven't caught on to. He thinks Louis’ staying in the same hotel, but he hadn't thought to ask. Harry and Niall are booked at a place a few blocks over, and by what Niall had said earlier, it was swarming with fans. Liam thinks he got lucky.

A few people yell out to him when he slips in through the back door, but Paddy blocks anyone from getting too close. 

The suite is rather large for just one person, with a large king sized bed, full jacuzzi tub and all of the amenities Liam's gotten used to at such a young age. He's reminded just how empty it is when he strips out of his wet clothing and opens up the bathroom door to find a shower large enough to fit the whole band, not that he'd even want to entertain that idea.

He turns the water on and, at first, just listens to the sound the heavy stream makes, hitting the shower tiles. The sound changes slightly when he steps in and taps his fingers on the side of the door, forming the rhythm to something he's been writing for the past few weeks. 

Liam starts to laugh because, of course, he comes up with the perfect beat while alone, naked and incapable of documenting it.

With no hope of saving that one, Liam closes his eyes and attempts to relax. If it's meant to be, it'll come back to him later on when they're in the studio. 

A knock on his door startles him back to reality and Liam shuts off the shower with a sigh. He's wary when he wraps a towel around himself and approaches the door. Last time someone knocked, it was a fan who'd somehow gotten past security in hopes of finding one of them.

When a second, louder knock and a frustrated noise follows, Liam knows instantly it isn't a fan.

“Finally,” Louis huffs before Liam even has the door fully opened, forcing himself into the room. His eyes lower at the towel that hangs around Liam's hips and then he starts to laugh. “Nice get up.”

“Do you need something or did you come by to stare?” Liam laughs awkwardly, instant regret following. He knows better than to joke like that when Louis’ struggled with his sexuality being treated as a joke for years. Liam holds his hand up, as if ready to apologize but Louis just laughs.

“Guilty.” Louis crosses the room with his eyebrows raised, making himself comfortable on the sofa. He leans forward and grabs a small bag of crisps that Liam's left on the table and stuffs a handful in his mouth. “‘S boring in my room. Lads are all being twats, called it an early night. So I thought who doesn't sleep?”

“You're right about that,” Liam sighs and decides that if they're going to sit around his suite, he'd better put some clothing on. His mind wanders every time he thinks Louis is looking at the way the towel shifts with his movements, but it's all in his head. It has to be. “Alright, hold on.”

Louis continues to talk, even after Liam disappears around the wall to retrieve a pair of joggers that he steps into.

“I think we should go out,” Louis continues on. “It's always fun when you're with us. Big night, Payno, let's go!” He makes a beeline for Liam when he comes back around the corner. “Just a drink or two, then we’ll come back here.”

Louis’ words tug at Liam's heart, leaving him feeling nothing but guilt. He doesn't want to go anywhere.

“Not tonight, Tommo.” Liam frowns, knowing he's constantly turning Louis down and one day, he'll simply stop asking. Their nights out used to be fun, when they'd show up together, have a few laughs without needing to worry about what the paparazzi would say the next day.

Then Eleanor left.

Liam knows he owes Louis so much more than he can give, when it's Louis who swept up the pieces after Danielle left him. It was Louis who'd act like a complete idiot in interviews just to make Liam laugh. When girlfriends were brought up, Louis changed the subject. It gave him a lot of flack and he's still fighting off gay rumors because of it, but Louis never complained. Not once. He's the best friend Liam could ask for, if only he could return the favor.

“Just for an hour, come on.” Louis pulls his best attempt at a pout, even though it’s never quite worked as well as Liam's pout does on Louis.

“Louis.” Liam can tell by the slight gloss over Louis’ eyes that he's had a few drinks, and knows that an hour would quickly turn into three. That one drink would be several and a night of fun would turn out the same as always -- with Liam, alone and Louis running off with another woman he's pulled.

“I just need to be fucking held, Liam.” Louis forces himself to his feet and pushes his way past Liam as he approaches the door. “If you won't go, then I'll go alone. I'm going out.”

“Stop, come on.” Liam grabs Louis’ arm and holds it tight enough to feel Louis stop and tense beneath his grasp. “You can't keep doing this, Louis. Please.” Another night, a different girl -- it's always rinse and repeat with Louis, drinking, smoking and falling down that same path of self-destruction Liam knows far too well. He won't admit out loud how much it scares him to see Louis hide his pain beneath booze and meaningless sex. 

Liam doesn't know why his brain keeps pushing him to pull Louis in and engulf him in his arms, but it's the only thing that seems right. So, it's exactly what he does.

When Louis, body shaking, melts into his hold, Liam shushes him and promises not to tell. And despite Louis’ hair smelling of smoke and a trace of Powerade, he presses a gentle kiss to the top of his head. It's the least he can do for his best friend.

Louis’ soft, shaky ‘thank you’ is thanks enough.

**

It's one of those rare nights off where Liam opts to stay inside of the comfort of his suite in an attempt to drown out the screams that come from outside. Harry and Niall are staying in a separate building, so he's pretty certain Louis had just stepped out and sent the waiting fans into a complete frenzy.

Liam frowns when he thinks about Louis climbing into a car with his friends, especially so soon after his mini meltdown, and wants to be upset about not being invited, but he's turned down every one of Louis’ requests to go clubbing since May. He can't really blame him.

Sophia ends up being the one who is insistent on a night out, even puts on a tight, red dress that almost makes Liam change his mind.

“We haven't gone out in a month.” Sophia pouts and straddles Liam's lap. “You don't have to drink anything, I just want to dance.” 

Liam wants to tell her that it isn't about not drinking alcohol, that it's seeing other people do it that's the problem. He's nursed enough hangovers and spent enough nights stumbling with an intoxicated Louis back to the hotel in the past several months that, eventually, he'd reached his breaking point. Watching Louis destroy himself does nothing but hurt, knowing there's not much Liam can do to save him.

He's not one to preach against drinking. Liam still has a glass of wine or two with dinner or the occasional drink with his mates, but it's a huge jump from the number of shots he'd down a night after Danielle told him he was just too overbearing for their relationship to work.

Things began to get better after Sophia came into his life, but the distance and her penchant for an argument did little to keep him from overdoing it, Liam quickly falling back into bad habits. 

One night in particular stands out, but it isn't Valentine's Day. That night was the fun, cuddling and laughing until your stomach hurts type of drunk that Liam preferred -- much different than the careless, emotional drunkenness that takes over when the fun ends and loneliness settles in.

It happened when they were in LA and Louis somehow convinced Liam to go out. He already said no three times, past Louis’ ‘third time's a charm’ logic, but Louis was never a quitter.

“C’mon, Payno, big night!” Louis grinned big, and Liam could almost hear the promise in his voice. It's ultimately what got him to say yes.

It wasn't a bad night to start. Liam enjoyed watching Snoop perform and tried not to feel too left out when Louis went off on his own with some female friends. He tried his absolute best not to feel like a third wheel when Louis introduced his hookup -- a first, when he's had more than Liam can count.

An overwhelming feeling of loneliness filled Liam to his core when Louis left with her, knowing it would be a day or two before they talk again. It always was. He didn't like that feeling -- still doesn't when he thinks about it.

Louis going off with Eleanor was one thing. Liam knew her, and until the very bitter end, he knew she'd take care of him. Now, he has much to blame her for, starting with the ultimate destruction of his very best mate.

Without Louis to pace him and Andy lost somewhere in the club's constantly moving crowd, Liam turned to the bar as a means for settling the anxious feeling Louis left him with.

He doesn't know how much he drank that night, just that he's a chatty drunk who tips generously. Liam is sure he did shots with some people at the bar that he didn't know, but decided were his new best friends. They're a friendly couple that made him laugh and didn't care that he couldn't remember their names. He's still not sure he remembers to this day.

It was lucky the walk back to the waiting car was quick. His last shot of whisky had left his head swimming. Andy led the way, doing his best to block the paparazzi, but once they’d sat in the car, there was no stopping the flashing lights. 

He always misses Sophia when she isn’t around, hates that she's in school when he's in a strange city and has no one to hold -- not that LA is unfamiliar, just not where his heart lies. Liam remembers how hard it was that particular night, with Louis preoccupied and Andy too tired to distract him from his racing thoughts.

It wasn't a full on breakdown, but one that left Liam questioning everything -- his place in the band, his future and friendships. There was no one he could text when every name that came to mind was likely asleep, his family especially, being in an entirely different timezone. Louis was probably awake, but every time Liam considered reaching out, he'd picture Louis, wrapped up in some blonde, giggling girl. 

After a night of panic attacks, he decided rather quickly that he didn’t like the empty, hopeless feeling that follows a night of heavy drinking. And so, Liam stopped. Now, when he's stressed, he takes to the gym, boxes for hours or goes running until his legs are too tired to continue on. It isn't always successful in calming him, but it beats the hangovers that come with drinking himself sick. 

“Gonna stay in tonight, babe,” Liam pleads, hoping that Sophia understands why he can’t do this for her. He hates how it makes him feel like he’s not good enough. 

Liam apologizes over and over, until Sophia decides she'll make it a girl's night with Lottie, seemingly not too upset anymore.

“I won't be gone too late,” Sophia promises, stepping into a pair of red heels that she'd bought just days ago. “Lottie is on her way, we're going dancing!” She twirls around in her heels, showing off her long legs with a happy smile. Liam knows she'd prefer his company. It makes him feel like an awful boyfriend, but they've got a show the next day. All he wants is to, finally, get some sleep.

He watches as Sophia begins to apply her makeup, blindly scrolling through Twitter until a few replies catch his attention. ‘Homophobic’ is one of the first words that comes up in a reply to one of his tweets. He cringes, but it's not the first time he's been called something he's not. Liam frowns when he continues to read his replies because they don't seem to be getting any better. There's mentions of fans having complete breakdowns over something he's said that make him sure he's going to be physically ill.

“Guess my article’s been published,” Liam says as he scrolls through tweet after tweet calling him a monster, until he has no choice but to throw his phone down. Sophia doesn’t seem to notice how his hands are shaking, too preoccupied in primping her long, brown hair. "I shouldn't have said it." Liam runs a palm over his face, scrubbing at the skin as if it would somehow retract everything he'd said in the interview. It doesn't matter that everything he said was true when there are people calling him a liar.

Sophia finishes her hair, purses her lips. "What did you say that was so awful?" She asks as she, places a hand on Liam's arm and gives a small squeeze.

"You know, the theory thing?" Liam sinks his shoulders down and can barely look at her. "I told them they're all full of shit. But it's only half right, innit?" He doesn't expect Sophia to know what he's talking about -- that he caught Louis pressed against Harry, hands in each other's joggers only a mere two years ago. 

He doesn't quite understand what it meant, either. Louis still refuses to tell Liam about anything that involved him and Harry. The only thing that matters is that it's a thing of the past. They're not together, so technically he hadn't been lying. Not when Liam notices the mere mention of Louis being alone with Harry is enough to make him recoil.

“Just ignore it, they're being stupid.” Sophia rolls her eyes, and then focuses on reapplying a fresh coat of lipstick. 

It's easy for her to say, he thinks, frustrated.

“You're missing the point,” Liam says rather harshly and Sophia wrinkles her nose. “I wasn't shitting on the entire gay community. It's just, you know. Sometimes they make things more about Louis and Harry than about the cause itself, you know?”

“You know the truth,” Sophia says while making a grab for her mascara. “I don't get why it's a big deal.”

Liam doesn't press. It isn't the first time Sophia doesn't understand what he's trying to say. She's had her own fair share of negativity, death threats at the worst of times; it started the second she'd publicly stepped into Liam's life. He knows she's cried over a few of the comments and criticized herself over the rest. Though she doesn't admit it, he knows it's why she'd changed her diet. He'd done the same the moment his own weight became a running joke.

“I don't know how to get people to understand that I'm not homophobic.” Liam closes his eyes. He isn't Harry. He can't simply run across stage with a rainbow flag without flack. He's just not that brave.

“You could tell them you fancy a bit of a pinky in your bum?” Sophia suggests with a laugh. 

Liam's face feels flushed with something that's a mixture of shame and embarrassment. It's a one off thing that Sophia tried on a whim and he enjoyed. He told himself it was normal, though. What man wouldn't like it? 

It feels like one of those days in school when his sexuality was treated like a joke, back when the older kids would spread rumors that he was gay. Most of it came about because he loved to sing. It was the reason for so adamantly denying he's anything less than straight, after a solid year of being physically hit for doing anything that was considered slightly unmanly. It's why he took up boxing, to gain some muscle and maybe even a little bit of credibility amongst the throng of schoolmates that never liked him.

Sophia knows, Liam thinks. She witnessed it firsthand, not that she had paid much attention to Liam back when he was still just an awkward, scrawny teenager. His physical appearance has changed, but Liam is still the same person he's always been -- unsure of who he really is.

**

Sophia's voice sticks with Liam the following day. He can hear her ‘just ignore it,’ when he steps out on stage. But it isn't something he can ignore. There's a sudden increase of rainbow painted signs at this concert -- at every concert that week, a good portion of them calling him out on his comments, that were clearly misconstrued.

He knows the truth, and despite an inkling that maybe Harry's fancied Louis in the past, there's no reason to believe it now. Louis hits the stage all smiles, blatantly ignoring anything that has a rainbow on it. When Harry grabs a rainbow flag, Louis doesn't bat an eye. Then again, Louis barely looks at Harry once they're in public.

Liam towels himself off backstage when Louis comes running, bumping right into him. He wants to ask Louis why he's so distant with Harry, but then Harry appears and throws an arm over Liam's shoulder.

“Great show!” Harry presses a loud, smacking kiss to Liam's cheek, causing him to laugh at how loving Harry continues to be with everyone and anyone. Niall gets similar treatment -- a kiss to not one, but both cheeks, that sends he and Harry into a fit of giggles. Liam gives the boys a fond smile that they immediately match, Harry's arm wrapped loosely around his waist.

“Come on, Liam,” Louis interrupts, tugging Liam away from Harry. He wrinkles his nose, pulling Liam down the hall and towards the exit.

Louis didn't get a hug, a kiss or even a fond smile from Harry, but Liam, knowing what he does, doesn’t think it was something Louis wanted anyway. 

Liam frowns when Louis doesn't say a single word further until they're outside.

When a car pulls up for Louis, Louis grabs on to Liam’s arm.

“You’re coming with me anyway, right?” Louis pushes Liam toward the car when Alberto opens the back door. He doesn’t give Liam the chance to answer before he shoves him on to the leather seat.

“What about my car?” Liam gives Paddy a concerned look.

“I’ll call it off,” Paddy says with a nod. “Just go.”

The car whisks them away into the night. Liam is silent, left wondering what had just happened back at the venue just moments ago.

"Are we ever gonna talk about what happened between you and Harry?" Liam blurts it out. He doesn't mean to bring it up, but Louis sits with his arms crossed, looking like someone refused him dessert.

Louis keeps quiet, head against the window, and stares out at the moving street.

“Louis?” Liam tries again.

"Liam, please." Louis rolls his eyes and then reaches out, giving Liam's nipple a hard, unnecessary twist. It's a defensive mechanism he's used so many times before. 

Liam knows something went on between Louis and Harry at one point, back when they were all young and a bit naive. He's not really sure when it ended, just that things gradually got weird between his two mates. There's one moment that stands out, though, back when they're all living together under the X Factor roof.

It was sometime in the middle of the competition, Liam far too stressed about losing and overtired from sleepless nights that come with the stress. He had just fallen asleep when the sound of laughing woke him up. He recognised Louis’ laugh at once, even when groggy with sleep.

_"Will you two quiet down!" Liam knows he's a stick in the mud when it comes to letting loose and fun. But fun is for winners and as far as he's concerned, they haven't earned the right to slack off just yet. He's tired. Tired of rehearsing the same song over and over again, and tired of being woken up at odd hours to Harry and Louis, giggling and doing God knows what._

_"Live a little!" Louis shouts back and slips out from beneath the covers._

_Liam can just make out the outline of his body when Louis bends at the middle, reaching for a pair of joggers that made their way onto the floor. It's something his half asleep brain processes, almost immediately, and he's left feeling ill when Louis disappears through the door._

It isn't the first time he's questioned what the two of them were getting up to, nor is it the first time Louis’ acted oblivious to what Liam's asking. Whatever happened was big enough to leave Louis bitter.

“I saw you two, you know,” is all that Liam says.

“What you saw, Liam,” he begins with his usual eye roll, “is someone who couldn't sleep having to listen to Niall's incessant snoring. Just a room change, right?”

Liam knows what he heard. It was Harry's laughter followed by Louis’ short and breathy voice. He may have been naive then, but he also knows what happened just months after that. From that point on, everything had changed. Harry met some new friends who embraced his quirky behavior, unlike Louis who could no longer so much as publicly speak to him. 

Liam doesn't know what changed things, or why his bed became the one Louis crawled into at night. They grew close, which was nice, but Liam could almost see the gears turning in Louis’ mind each time he took special care not to make eye contact with Harry.

“But,” he starts, but Louis talks over him at once.

“Jesus Christ, Liam, enough!” Louis isn't going to talk about it, he makes that clear, arms crossed over his chest and closing himself off.

“But why?” Liam pushes when he knows he shouldn't.

“Because it's none of your business.” Louis spits back. Liam can tell Louis is annoyed now, but that's when he usually gives in and lets things spill.

“Louis,” Liam sighs. There are so many personal things that he's told Louis, things that he hasn't told anyone else, his own mum included. Still, he knows that Louis is right. Until Louis feels comfortable in talking about it, it isn't Liam's business. 

Louis doesn't fold this time. He leans over the middle of the seats and taps Alberto on the shoulder, and requests he ‘crank it up’ as one of their new tracks plays over the speakers.

“‘S good one, Payno!” Louis nods when a rough demo of ‘What a Feeling,’ one of the few songs they've been working on begins. He nods his head to the beat and mouths along to the chorus that Liam is so proud of. 

It is a good song, Liam thinks. They wrote it quickly, one all-nighter while crammed together in a makeshift studio. This song, like most, were born on little to no sleep.

Liam shuts his eyes and listens to the lyrics as they're sung. Harry does a great job of conveying the emotion that Liam envisioned for the song. He tries his hardest not to think about Harry, though. All it does is bring up questions he knows he won't get an answer to.

Louis must forget he's annoyed pretty quickly. He changes from tense and rigid to all smiles, tapping along to the tune against Liam's knee.

Louis grins when the song comes to an end. “We've really outdone ourselves, Payno.”

“True,” Liam agrees. He didn't write as much as the wanted to on the new album, but there's plenty of songs he's proud of and several that are bound to be hits.

Writing has always been one of Liam's favorite parts of album creation regardless of it's done with a team or on his own. His writing, though he swears he never noticed, has evolved substantially from those early days of cramming in the back of a smelly bus. Words he scribbled down that he'd never share became songs they reworked and eventually recorded. 

Louis was the first one, after incessant begging, that Liam shared his old lyrics with, under the circumstance that Louis wouldn't laugh at how awful they were.

But Louis, much to Liam's surprise, didn't laugh. He started to write on his own, sharing his work with Liam until before they knew it, they co-wrote a handful of new songs.

The car pulls to a stop in front of the studio where a small line of fans has already begun to form. Liam isn't sure who tipped them off, since he didn't even know where they were headed until he was already on his way. Both Paddy and Alberto have no choice but to get out and keep the fans at bay.

It's the first time Liam rode with someone in his band in ages. Typically, he takes a car of his own or he and Sophia make the short trips to and from the venues together. It's the easiest way for them to squeeze in a little extra time together when his busy schedule keeps them apart more often than not.

Louis is the first one out of the car. He waves to a few fans, but he doesn't stop for them. 

Liam keeps his head down and follows not long after. He almost feels bad not taking photos with them when it's obvious a few ran straight over from the stadium. Once he's inside, though, Liam knows his quick run inside was the right move. They have hours of work ahead of them.

Julian looks pleased with a real setup -- a welcoming change from having to record between mattresses while one of them struggles to sleep in the adjacent room.

Liam had already unintentionally woke Harry up one night amidst recording Never Enough. In his defense, he wasn't the one to suggest he try near screaming throughout the song's chorus.

“Ready to record a little?” Louis asks, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Somehow, despite their chasing one another for a good two hours, Louis looks to be bursting at the seams with energy.

“Need to warm up first.” Liam clears his throat and reaches for a bottle of water. “Been feeling a bit under the weather,” he admits, trying to ignore the scratching in the back of his throat for as long as possible.

“Warm up?” Louis snickers. “Payno, you've been on stage all night. I think your voice is well warmed up by now.”

“So have you.” Liam grins and takes a swig of water. “You first, then.” He bumps Louis’ shoulder with his own, their eyes locking for just a moment. Liam can't stop smiling, even if he doesn't know why. 

“Sometime this year, idiots,” Julian chimes in from across the room.

“There's only one way to settle this.” Louis balls his first and holds it out with a mischievous smirk.

Liam catches on quickly and holds out his own fist with a matching grin.

“Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!” Louis throws down the scissors symbol and immediately recoils.

Liam played rock.

“Best two of three,” Louis interrupts Liam's laughing and pulls his alarm back into the middle, folding Liam's hand into a fist again.

“Okay, shoot.” Liam knows Louis isn't going to win this. He always plays rock the second time around.

“Rock, paper, scissors,” Louis says slowly, drawing out each word. He doesn't once break eye contact from Liam, like he's trying to figure his next move. 

“Will you hurry up?” Julian is beginning to sound annoyed, which is only going to make Louis put off recording even longer.

“Shoot!” Louis yells it out suddenly, causing Liam to jump.

As expected, Louis leaves his hand balled up tightly -- rock, and Liam wraps his hand tightly around the smaller fist.

“Paper beats rock, Tommo.”

Louis rolls his eyes and stomps his way over to the recording booth. When he climbs inside and gives Liam the middle finger, Liam swears he catches the smallest hint of a smile.

**

Birmingham is louder than the last show, everyone feeling particularly cheerful when they hit the stage. Louis is especially handsy with Liam, tugging on him and attempting to start a wrestling match every other song. Liam plays along, but keeps his distance for the time being. His favorite game is making Louis wait. He'll attack when Louis least expects it.

When Louis hooks his arm around Liam's waist during a bit of banter, he decides it's time. He's quick to make a grab for Louis’ nipple, but not fast enough. Louis spins himself, back to Liam and pulls away. 

There's a break in between songs, the perfect opportunity to attack, but it's Louis who strikes first, arm around Liam's shoulders in an attempt to lift him up. Liam laughs and they wrestle for a moment, arms and legs tangled as Liam tries to break free from the near choke hold. He turns his head and so does Louis in a movement so simultaneous that their lips accidentally bump together.

Louis plays it off, like most things, and leans in again to whisper, “I win.”

Liam is shocked, rightly, but tries his best to not think about the way their lips brushed together, though momentarily.

The remainder of the show is nothing but shared glances and if Liam is reading Louis correctly, a bit of flirting. Not serious, just the type that reminds Liam of days on the playground.

Louis chases him across the stage and Liam chases back, but everything is done with the exchange of fond smiles. Even when Louis finally smacks Liam square in the balls.

Everything about that show sticks with Liam, long after he's alone in his room. He makes the mistake of checking Twitter and finds that the majority of his replies are fans who most definitely noticed the accidental stage kiss.

He groans when he tosses his phone aside, hoping that it's all forgotten by next show. The media already spun their play fighting into some sort of bitter rivalry.

Liam sighs when he reaches the bathroom and turns on the shower. None of the crew, or even Sophia brought up the mishap. It was just an unplanned, badly timed poor excuse for a kiss that wasn't.

He undresses and steps into the shower, switching his attention to rinsing his hair free from any excess Red Bull he didn't towel off prior.

Liam tilts his head back and closes his eyes, letting the spray of hot water hit his face. The heat does little to relieve him of the excess energy that's still pent up inside him, adrenaline continuously thrumming through his veins. He's absolutely exhausted, but the buzz from the screaming crowd sticks with him, and he knows he isn't going to fall asleep for a good two to three hours.

Sophia's asleep almost immediately, which is no good when Liam's wide awake with nothing but pent up energy he needs to burn off. It's how he ends up in the shower, attempting to relax and turning to a good wank instead.

He wraps a hand around his cock and gives a few short tugs when he pictures Sophia in the new set of lingerie she'd purchased for his birthday. It works well enough and he grows hard under the slow, lazy pumps of his fist until his train of thought switches and he's thinking about the concert, the fans, the screaming and then Louis. The way Louis’ lips, though barely touching, felt against his and maybe what they'd feel like if they really kissed.

It's becoming nearly impossible to stop thinking about that moment, so accidental and likely something Louis has already forgotten. It was an accident. It means nothing. He keeps telling himself this as he strokes his cock through, unable to stop thinking about Louis’ mouth.

What if it had been a real kiss? Would Louis still pull away and pretend it hadn't happened immediately after? Or would he welcome Liam in, head tilted and mouth hot as they kiss like the world is ending?

Liam tries to stop, even drops his hand to the side and begins to lather himself up, thinking of anything but what Louis might taste like on his tongue.

A day of songwriting comes to mind, when he and Louis were tucked away between some trees with a laptop. Jamie had gone off to grab a few more cokes and some burgers, a usual, per Louis' request and leaving them alone to be trusted to get some work done. Liam smiles when he remembers Louis ever so softly singing a line they'd reworked for days, until it was perfect. All they'd needed was a change of scenery. He pictures the way Louis smiled, pat him on the back and gave an ‘Atta boy, Payno’ when he realises his hand has somehow found itself wrapped around his dick once more, twitching at the memory.

"Fuck," Liam mumbles, lets his hand drop down again and his cock springs up, harder than ever. He closes his eyes, inhales and tries to clear his mind. And there, behind it all, he pictures Louis. Liam exhales, again trying to push the thought of Louis out of his mind but it's all he can see. Louis' bright blue eyes, his long eyelashes, mouth and tongue and long fingers, visions of them wrapped around Liam’s dick clear as day. 

He gives in, palms at his cock, wet and leaking at the tip and has just a split second to decide if it's best to switch on the cold water or just go with it. Until now, he hasn't purposely thought of Louis while getting off and if he just so happens to see his face when he orgasms, well, it doesn't really mean he's gay. Just that he sees Louis as a good, helpful mate. That's all.

Liam knows he shouldn't when he gets his fingers slick and pushes one inside of himself, similar to the way Sophia had mid-blowjob, ‘just to see’ if he'd like it. He stands, palm pressed flush against the wet shower wall and leans his head back. He swallows down a moan and doesn't stop himself from exploring this time. 

Liam crooks his finger and presses until he feels the familiar jolt of pleasure that signals he’s close rush all of the way down to his toes. He shifts, leaning his shoulder against the shower wall and frees the hand that was holding him up. Liam gives his dick a few short, fast tugs until he’s frantically slipping a finger deeper, curling it against his prostate. His vision goes fuzzy at the edges, focused on one thing -- Louis. It’s Louis’ name that escapes him with a shout, his come splashing the tiles at his feet.

Eyes shut tight and breathing heavily, Liam curses beneath his breath when the aftershocks fade and that familiar feeling of guilt fills the void. 

**

They're in between shows in Dublin, Liam predictably running on little sleep. The first show went well and Liam decides that while exhausting, he quite enjoys having a block of shows in one venue. It's a nice break from the packing up and flying out, day in and day out.

As expected, Louis is running behind schedule but this time, so is Niall. Harry comes out of his dressing room, ringed fingers wrapped around a Starbucks cup. His smile is present and he politely nods to each passing crew member. 

Liam is almost jealous by how smoothly Harry can work a room with so little effort. Then he remembers there's awful days that even Harry can't escape. Paparazzi that chase them down hallways, fans who sit outside of their homes and the studio for hours on end and people who just ‘don't get it’ when it comes to their music.

“Liam,” Harry says with a nod.

“Harry,” Liam replies. “Where's Niall?”

“It's Dublin, where do you think?” Harry takes a slow sip from his coffee and laughs when Liam looks worried. His first thought goes right to the closest pub. “With his family, Liam, relax a little. He'll be here soon.”

He doesn't want to admit that Niall's absence makes him nervous and how his mind always jumps to the worst case scenario ever since Zayn's departure. It's why they've all vowed to be more open and understanding of one another in the toughest times and the reason for their bond growing even stronger.

“Is everything alright?” Harry lowers his coffee cup and Liam knows there's no point in lying when Harry can see right through him. Liam's always been a terrible liar. 

“Just been feeling different lately,” he says, shrugging. “Don't really know how to explain it.” He might be gay. He might be in love with Louis. They're the two thoughts that come to mind more often than he'd like to admit, both that he doesn't know what to do with. 

“If you want to try, I'll listen.” Harry gives Liam's arm a little squeeze that reassures him, even if he doesn't think he's ready to admit his new found feelings. Liam can hardly admit them to himself.

“You don't think I have a problem with rainbows, do you?” It isn't quite what Liam wants to ask, but it's what spills from his mouth before he's able to stop himself.

“Is that a leprechaun joke?” Harry's eyes light up as a small smile forms across his face. “Is that why you're looking for Niall?” 

“No, I, what?” Liam furrows his brows and can see where Harry would come to that conclusion when the topic jumps from Niall to rainbows, not the it was his intention. He’s pretty certain Harry thinks he's honest to God feeling like a leprechaun for at least those few, silent seconds. “I'm talking about my magazine interview.”

“Oh.” Harry shrugs, like everything Liam said makes perfect sense. “You don't have to like the rainbows, Liam. I just take the good and ignore the rest.” He smiles again and Liam wonders when he became such a smart, mature version of his younger self. “Just remember who knows you best.”

“You lads?” Liam would be lying if he said he didn't picture Louis. He loves all of them more than he ever thought possible.

Harry shakes his head. “Yourself.”

Liam forms an o shape with his mouth and nods. Harry has a point. 

Liam spends most of the night thinking about Harry's words. He knows himself. He's determined, hard working and loves his family more than life itself. He doesn't love himself, but he knows who he is and what he wants.

So he thinks.

His future seems clear enough, making music whether for himself or others, marrying Sophia and eventually starting a family, once she's done her own round of the world via the fashion circuit. They're young, there's no rush, but it's obvious to Liam that this is the path he's meant to take.

Anything else -- thoughts of Louis, especially -- are just tiny bumps in the road that he can eventually overcome. 

**

It’s far later than Liam wants to be awake when Sophia throws her shopping bags in a corner and straddles his waist. He wants to say no, that they can shower together in the morning, but Sophia grinds her hips down in a slow, circular motion that causes his breath to catch. Sleep can wait.

His brain is fuzzy and he's been on edge for what feels like hours. Sophia begs him for a nice, slow fuck and he complies, but there's something in the back of his mind that keeps him from letting himself go.

Sophia comes twice, once from his mouth and again when she lowers herself down on his dick and rides him, hips rolling until a wave washes over that causes her to squeeze her thighs together.

She's breathing heavy but ready for more -- she'll go until Liam's spent if he lets her.

“I'll make you come.” Sophia grins and trails a hand between his legs. 

“Mm, fuck.” Liam's hips buck up when Sophia slips a lube slicked finger inside of him as her second hand gently cradles his balls. 

Sophia rocks back and forth over his hard cock, working her finger in until Liam's hips jump once more at the entirely new form of stimulation. Liam grinds his hips down on her finger, almost forgetting that he's also deep inside of Sophia.

“One more,” Liam manages to choke out between desperate sounding moans. They've never gone further than a finger, but suddenly Liam is overwhelmed with the desire to be filled up and fucked.

Sophia stills her hips and looks over her shoulder as if to double check. Liam arches his back and slowly moves inside of her with the slightest of nods.

“Please baby?”

She slips out her slick finger and Liam gives a sound of protest, but he can hear the click of the lube being opened and knows that she's prepping a second finger. The first one slides back in with ease and the second follows, stretching him a bit more than he's used to. It burns and feels amazing all at once. Liam's pretty sure he's close to seeing stars. 

“Like that?” Sophia asks and impatiently rocks herself on Liam's cock to bring the attention back to herself a little.

“Fuck,” Liam gasps as Sophia's fingers twist around, stretching him open in ways he never thought possible. He briefly thinks he needs more, wants to ask for a third, but then Sophia begins to pump her fingers, fucking him in time with the rolling down of her hips.

The drag of her fingers as they slide out and then push back in cause Liam to shudder, slightly at first and then harder when she rubs her fingers against the bundle of nerves that makes his legs shake.

“Gonna come,” Liam warns and Sophia misses the point, focusing more on riding his dick than hitting his prostate. He circles his hips, forcing her fingers to rub against the spot, grunting when a spark of pleasure shoots through his spine. 

Sophia comes down hard, body trembling with spasms that Liam knows is the start of her orgasm. He tries to slow down, still his hips and prolong himself from coming, but then Sophia adds the third finger that Liam's too afraid to ask for.

She continues on riding him, hips moving over his dick in attempts to finally bring Liam over the edge, fingers doing their magic and working their way down all the while. 

It's instant, hitting Liam like a brick when his toes curl and his orgasm surges through his body, shooting come over Sophia's thighs and stomach.

He closes his eyes, breath heavy and tries his best not to think about the one thing that would have made that orgasm better -- Louis.

**

A sense of shame lingers, following him for the remainder of the night and through the next day. It's the furthest he's explored outside of the box with Sophia and knows that perhaps it was too far, by how silent she is throughout dinner.

“Is everything okay?” Liam reaches for Sophia's hands, giving it a tender squeeze. Her hands, small but soft, are cold and he does his best to warm them between his.

“You don't think it's odd?” Sophia flips her long hair over her shoulder. She seems more concerned with fixing her hair than talking about whatever is troubling her. Liam can feel the light tug of her arms. She’s trying to get away.

“Figuring out what we both like in bed?” Liam questions. What else could she be referring to? The shame hangs over him like a dark, evil cloud that’s going to burst at any moment.

Sophia nods slowly and pulls again, freeing her hands from Liam’s grip. He can’t bear to hold her still if she’d rather be elsewhere.

“But,” Sophia finally says, “I guess it’s better we learn these things now.”

**

The next few days are awkward, to start. Sophia spends most of her time with Lou and Lottie while Liam is busy working on recording the instruments for one of Louis’ songs.

When Liam climbs into bed, it’s Sophia who turns down being intimate. She doesn’t give an excuse, just shrugs her shoulders and tells him that she’d rather get some sleep.

Things are tense when they’re left alone in the middle of the day with little to no distractions. Whenever Liam wants to talk, Sophia remembers she’s meeting Lottie or needs to phone her sister.

Liam should have seen it coming.

"I can't do this anymore." Sophia's voice waivers when she finally speaks up from the corner of the room. It breaks the silence similar to the way a bullet cracks a windshield, leaving Liam in a state of shock.

“Can't do what?” Liam doesn't want to ask the question that he’s sure he knows the answer to. He hopes maybe she's talking about something trivial, but when their eyes meet, Liam can tell it's much more serious than that. “Soph…”

“I'm going home tomorrow,” Sophia says, tone flat when she pulls the heavy quilt she's wrapped in up to her neck. “My home,” she adds, stressing that it isn’t their shared place in Surrey she’s referring to.

“You can't,” Liam begins as his heart starts to race and a cold sweat rushes over him. “We were supposed to get married. Not now, obviously, but eventually, after you figured out what you wanted to do.” He has flashbacks to the magazine interview, so proud to talk about Sophia and all of her accomplishments. How she's working hard to get an education, despite traveling the world with him. He doesn't want to hold her back -- doesn't think he is, at least. 

“Yeah.” Sophia's expression remains stoic, unphased by Liam’s near begging. “And I know what I want. But I don't think that you do.”

“What are you talking about?” Liam's mind goes straight to Louis and curses himself under his own breath. It's not that he wants Louis, at least not when he has Sophia, just that when he's around, things are different. Sophia is his constant and when it comes down to it, all he knows.

“The sex, for one.” Sophia's been patient, willing to try anything Liam wants, though he admits that maybe he's beginning to take things too far. There's far worse he could ask for, he thinks.

“Why didn't you tell me...?” Liam reaches out for her arm, but Sophia turns away and pulls in on herself. It isn't like he forced Sophia into experimenting, if anything, she initiated it. All Liam did was let it continue.

“Why didn't you tell me you were gay?” she shoots back.

Liam's first instinct is to deny it. He's obviously not gay if he's dating, or dated, a woman. But there's a list of small things that form in his head, don't add up and the only solution is one of absolute confusion. 

“You're really gay, aren't you?” Sophia says when Liam doesn't answer, tears welling up in her eyes like he's the one breaking her heart, not vice-versa.

“Soph, it's not… I'm not,” Liam fumbles with his words, not sure who he's trying to convince anymore. He's not gay. He knows he can't possibly be. But he's not straight, either. The realization is a harsh one. 

If Sophia could see right through him, then who else isn't he fooling?

Sophia doesn't waste any time packing up her belongings. She stuffs t-shirts and skirts into her oversized bag as a sure sign that she isn't even going to give Liam the satisfaction of staying one more night. This really is the end. 

“You need to figure things out for yourself, Liam.” She doesn't even sound sad anymore, more disappointed in him than anything. Somehow, that hurts more.

When she leaves without so much as a kiss goodbye, Liam doesn't know what to do, so he panics. He can't stay in the room room alone. It isn't home, but the bed smells like Sophia and there's traces of her everywhere he looks. Everything reminds him of the woman who just walked out on him.

He grabs the piles of clothes and things he has lying around and stuffs them in his bag. If he has to stay, then maybe someone will let him crash in his room.

Liam thinks about texting Andy, who just flew out to meet his girlfriend for an impromptu holiday in Dubai. Maybe if he begs him, Andy will fly back early, but he stops himself from sending out the text. There's no point in ruining Andy’s night, too.

His heart is racing by the time he makes it down the hall and stops at another door. Liam hesitates. The last thing he wants to do is bother Louis after a show when he's likely to be partying with his entourage. When he leans in and listens though, it's quiet. Biting down on his bottom lip, he knocks with two simple, soft knocks.

“Who's there?” Louis’ voice is low, sleepy. There's a pause and then, “Liam, is that you?” 

Louis’ voice, soft and concerned does something to Liam. It makes him feel like he's going to break down, and last thing he wants to do is cry. Liam feels weak and it brings him back to his early days in the competition -- when Louis thought he was a baby for getting too emotional.

The door swings open and Louis, yawning in a pair of too-big joggers tilts his head to the side in confusion when he spots Liam's luggage.

“Argument with Sophia?”

It isn't the first time he's wound up in Louis room after he and Sophia had a row; he's learned to give her some space and let her sleep it off. Even though he hopes this time will heed the same results, Liam knows she won't be back this time.

He shakes his head and moves into the room, afraid to speak. There's so much to say and yet the words sit on the tip of his tongue. Somehow, not saying those words makes it all seem more like a bad nightmare than an absolute truth he's going to need to face sooner or later.

Louis looks at Liam with a frown on his lips, and then he opens his arms. It never ceases to amaze Liam how easily Louis can read him, from the way he sounds when he speaks down to the slightest shift in his body language. Liam steps forward, practically throws his bag down and fits himself into the Louis’ arms where he feels safe and a little less like the world is ending.

“Sophia.” He struggles with getting past her name, finds himself stuck again, preferring the warmth of Louis’ chest to actually talking. “She left,” he manages to whisper, wondering how he's going to be able to tell his family if he can't even properly tell Louis.

“Fuck ‘er,” Louis retorts, wraps his arms around Liam's waist and leads them, a tangle of legs, over to the sofa. When Louis sinks down onto the cushion and pulls Liam in, he leans his body against Liam's side. “She's gonna regret it.” He rubs small circles into Liam's shoulder which don't make everything better, but it's a start.

“I didn't see it coming,” Liam mutters, face pressed against Louis’ shoulder. He and Sophia argued, as couples do, but he never imagined she'd leave him the way that she just did.

“Did she give you a reason?” Louis proceeds with caution in his voice. “Same excuse as El? Distance and all of that getting in the way?”

“Yeah,” Liam agrees, because he doesn't quite know how to tell Louis he's wrong, that Sophia flat out accused him of being gay. It doesn't matter that fans have been telling Louis he's gay for years -- it's different when it comes from someone who you love.

“What utter shit.” Louis shakes his head. “She couldn't wait the few weeks for the break?” He gives Liam a suspicious look, one that makes Liam's stomach churn with fear.

The last thing he wants is for Louis to question Liam's sexuality, too.

“Do you have a cigarette?” Liam asks. If they're going to talk about this, the least Louis can do is help relieve his stress.

Louis rolls his eyes and pulls himself to his feet. He's never really one to share cigarettes -- he'll smoke all Liam's first, but the pitying look he gives Liam tells that this is a special circumstance.

He leads Liam out to the balcony, lights a cigarette and takes a long drag. Liam doesn't ask for his own. Louis will share, eventually.

“I think this is the first time we've both been single at the same time.” Liam laughs, even if it's forced and not at all funny. All he can think about is that stupid, ridiculous quote he'd given Attitude about marrying Louis. He's single, Louis’ single. But Louis, left bitter from the way he ended things with Eleanor and slowing down from months of meaningless hookups doesn't seem like he's ready to consider a new relationship. Not that Liam wants one with him, not really.

“And we're too busy to celebrate it!” Louis pulls a face, not that Liam can understand why having a broken heart is worthy of a celebration. He's never going to be able to look at photos of Sophia without his own bitter feelings surfacing. “It's okay, lads holiday. We'll make a proper go of it there.”

Louis holds the cigarette between two fingers and extends his hand to Liam, who graciously accepts it. Liam doesn’t like to smoke. He’s been working on quitting for months, but it’s easier said than done when he’s heartbroken and stressed to the core. It doesn’t help that he’s also quite possibly in the middle of an identity crisis.

Liam only takes a few, short pulls and then hands the cigarette back. It’s just enough to take the edge off, though he could smoke an entire pack if Louis let him.

“It's a bit inappropriate, don't you think?” Liam watches as Louis lifts his cigarette to his lips, takes a pull and then blows the smoke into the night air. It shouldn't be a beautiful sight and it's a godawful habit that Liam knows they both need to quit. But the smoke billows out around them and floats off into the air, up and away like Liam wishes he could do. Then Louis scratches the stubble beneath his chin, makes a noise and holds the cigarette out as an offering.

“Wouldn't be the most inappropriate thing we've done. Remember naked ping pong?” Louis laughs. There's a reason why they're not allowed to move gaming tables in their dressing rooms anymore.

Liam starts to laugh for the first time since their last show. It happened two tours ago, when they were younger and the competitiveness of regular ping pong wore off. He had just beaten Louis in three solid rounds and yet, stubborn as ever, he wasn't giving up. ‘Extreme ping pong,’ he called it. They started off fully clothed until Louis suggested they raise the stakes and remove one article of clothing for each missed bounce. Liam doesn't remember much of the game itself or who ended up winning -- he'd been laughing far too hard near the end, spending most of it protecting his junk.

“I can't believe I let you talk me into that.” Liam’s voice is soft, full of nothing but fondness for the memory. He shakes his head and then watches as Louis snuffs out the stubby remains of a cigarette, little bits of ash sending out sparks beneath the pressure. 

“Seriously. What's wrong with you, Payno?” As serious as he sounds, Liam knows he's smiling without having to look up.

“You're a bad influence.”

“I'm the best influence.” Louis turns and pokes Liam square in the chest. “You'd still be getting stroppy over shit choreography if it wasn't for me.”

Liam smiles despite the sudden burst of sadness that makes his heart ache. They've come so far, seen so much and this is how the most difficult tour of their lives ends -- with a growing list of people who've slipped out of their circle.

“Things were easier back then,” Liam says, even though he knows it’s a blatant lie. Growing up on the road was never easy. They were constantly being watched by crew, security guards and occasionally their parents, but it did little to keep them out of trouble. Louis learned very early on how to beat the system and find as much trouble as he could possibly get away with causing -- and Liam often followed. All five boys were forced to grow up quicker than they would have outside of the spotlight.

“Are you mad? Things were never easy, Liam.” Louis laughs, even if it isn't funny. Perhaps he has that same lurching feeling of sadness that starts down in the pit of his stomach. “I don't even remember the last time I've bought my own groceries.”

Liam still frequents Sainsbury’s when he's at home, long after it became a running joke with his mates that he'd be able to afford Waitrose now.

It's not often he gets to feel normal and it isn't until he's doing something so simple as pushing a trolley down the aisles that he feels like a regular human being again. There's a time or two when he’ll get approached while picking up a carton of eggs, he isn't exactly great at dressing incognito. It's still strange to hit Twitter hours later and see photos of his lamborghini out front or one of his backside, while he’s engrossed with looking at a wall of cereal. But he wouldn't trade those simple moments for anything.

Louis can't even stop for McDonald's without a slew of paparazzi turning it into some outlandish story of how he's lost all control of his life. It's probably why he usually opts for delivery.

“You're just lazy,” Liam says without any bite to it. In his eyes, it's better to make light of a sad situation.

“Fuck off,” Louis replies fondly.

They're silent for a long while, until most of the lights have gone out, leaving them illuminated by the moon. It's late, Louis looks exhausted and Liam is sure he doesn't look much better. Not that either do much sleeping anymore.

“Staying the night then, huh?” Louis, though always cold, somehow warms Liam when he wraps his arms tightly around his shoulders. 

Liam turns his body in and lets the warmth of Louis be his ultimate comfort.

Louis is so warm, keeping Liam close long after they've should have broke apart, even when it's obvious he's done, fidgety fingers tapping against Liam's shoulder.

“Stay still.” Liam turns his face and mumbles against the side of Louis’ face. They're so close together, lips brushing over the little bit of stubble along Louis' jawline. Everything seems to stop the moment Liam lifts his head and focuses his eyes on Louis' mouth, soft and pink. 

It's an awful idea. One that Liam clearly doesn't think through. But he's already lost it all -- Zayn, Sophia, the band, at least for a year. There's nothing else to lose. 

He's pictured it at least a hundred times in the past week alone. The fantasy of how Louis' lips may feel against his haunts him day in and day out, the accidental brush of them just a tease that's made him crave more. 

Liam feels as if he's moving in slow motion when his hands press to Louis’ cheeks. He's not sure if the small laugh and sparkle in Louis’ eyes are of surprise or something more, but Louis doesn't push him away.

The kiss is sudden, Louis’ lips soft and unmoving when he presses their lips together -- hard. Liam breathes in and runs the tip of his tongue along Louis’ bottom lip in attempts to make it less of a one sided kiss when Louis doesn't react. Maybe he's scared.

But then, in an instant, Louis wakes up, turns his face away and the kiss is broken before it's even started. Louis screws his face up in an expression Liam doesn't recognize. If it’s confusion, shame or disgust, he’s not sure, but whatever Louis’ feeling, Liam knows it can't be good.

“So do you like dick now?” Louis asks, point blank and unmoving.

Liam's stomach sinks like a stone in the ocean.

“I just,” Liam stutters. Even if he does, it's not something he's thought about. But Louis, on the other hand, is somehow all he thinks about these days. “I thought…”

“No,” Louis says quickly and takes a step back. “Liam, no.”

Liam doesn't have to ask what Louis means when his face is as pale as it is. He's not gay. He doesn't want Liam. It's all in his head and Liam's fucked this up.

“I have to go,” Liam mumbles because he sure as hell can't stay there now. He needs a few days to think this through -- to think about anything that isn't Sophia and Louis and whatever mixed up mess is going on inside of his head.

Louis doesn't stop him, even when he turns back, if only because he almost left his bag behind.

Liam retreats back to his own room, alone once more. He buries himself beneath the blankets and does exactly what he's been trying to avoid. He cries, for the loss of Sophia, Zayn, Eleanor and now, the likely loss of the most important person in his life, Louis.

Soon, tour will be over. They'll promote the album a bit and finally Liam will have that freedom he’s been hoping for for months. But there's no point in a break, one intended to finally enjoy his relationships, when he's broke most of them.

He'll at last have all of time he needs to plan that holiday, to write music with his best mate and spend time with the woman be thought he'd marry. Now both of those things are likely gone.

Sophia may not love him. He can learn to accept that, eventually. Liam knows people change -- hearts are made for breaking, woman come and women go. If there's a cliché, he's probably heard it.

It doesn't change the fact that he completely fucked up. He just kissed his best friend. 

**

Belfast approaches -- fast. The day of show, Liam wakes up with a heavy feeling in his chest, his anxiety high. He takes a few long, deep breaths in attempts to still his shaky hands with no success.

“Five minutes,” someone calls, but Liam shuts it out and curls up on the small sofa where just last show, he and Sophia had sat. His chest goes tight and suddenly, Liam doesn't think he can breathe.

When he doesn't leave his dressing room, it's Harry who peeks his head in.

“Liam? Everything alright?”

Liam doesn't answer, he doesn't know how.

“Liam?” This time, Niall calls out, but again, Liam is silent. It's hard to talk when his heart is racing and his throat goes tight.

It's Harry who goes in first, finds Liam on the sofa and sinks down next to him. Skin damp with sweat and limbs shaky, he leans into Harry's side and can only mumble a sad apology.

The crowd grows impatient, chanting their names. What normally gets Liam amped up and ready to go brings his anxiety back full force. He looks pale, easy enough to pass as having a major case of food poisoning, which is exactly what the team decides to go with if the media asks.

When it’s made clear that Liam isn't going to be able to perform, they have no choice but to hold an emergency band meeting -- their third in the span of eight very long months. Louis is the last one to make his way inside of the dressing room, holding a red cup of what’s most likely filled to the top with beer.

“Got the shits, eh, Payno?” 

“Louis,” Niall reprimands unsuccessfully. Even Liam notices the smirk Louis is trying to hide when Niall shakes his head and pulls Louis off to the side.

Liam doesn't know what they're saying but knows it has to involve him by the way Louis keeps looking over.

All Liam can picture is Louis’ voice, low and mocking when he tells Niall, ‘and then he kissed me.’ It's all in his head, he knows, but it doesn't put his anxiety at ease. Not when he hasn't seen Louis since he'd kissed him.

Their tour manager suggests they try to go on without Liam. There's no open dates to make the show up, so if they're quick with divvying up the parts, then maybe they can make it work as a three piece.

“Absolutely not,” Louis flat out refuses. He downs whatever is left in his cup and tosses it into the nearby bin.

“You should.” Liam pulls a decorative pillow to his stomach with hopes that the warmth of holding it there will help it settle. As much as he wants to go on, he knows he can't.

“No.” Louis crosses his arms across his chest and refuses to move from his spot. It doesn't surprise Liam to see Louis act so stubborn -- he's already said countless times that he can't cover the parts Liam does. He'd already struggled with taking some of Zayn's verses, but at least then Liam had helped coach him through them. But the crowd is chanting, growing impatient and there's no time for that now.

“We're not going on without you,” Harry promises. It helps Liam's anxiety subside, slightly, but a feeling of guilt fills the space where his fear has left.

“Couldn't do it without ya, mate,” Niall adds and pulls out his phone to send a few texts. Liam doesn't know what they say, but has a feeling they're pertaining to the impending cancellation of their show. “Paddy's gonna get you back to your hotel, don't worry.”

It's easier said than done when worrying is all Liam knows these days.

Harry stays by Liam's side as much as he protests, rubbing his back until the shaking becomes a mere memory.

“Gimme this,” Louis snatches Liam's phone from the table and sticks it in his back pocket. “Stay off of Twitter and all that, go to sleep. You can have this tomorrow.”

Liam winces, thinking about all of the phones that Louis has lost this year alone. There's a chance his will go missing, the same way many of Louis’ phones have, but Liam doesn't fight it. Louis knows best.

“Let's go,” Paddy calls when he enters the dressing room. 

The walk to the car is slow, Liam ducking his head in shame. He's more embarrassed than anything, but quick to exit the building before the media catches on and wants to question the delay.

Paddy gets Liam out of the stadium and into a car before the crowd even knows what's happening. Liam doesn't want to be around to hear the disappointed boos, anyway. He sprawls out in the backseat and pulls a jumper over his head. The windows are already tinted, but it's an extra sense of protection as they drive off into the night.

At first, he curls up in bed and closes his eyes, blocking out the world for as long as he possibly can. Liam doesn't look at the clock when his eyes finally slowly reopen because he doesn't want to know how much time he's just wasted. 

It isn’t until the middle of the night, when Liam wakes up alone and in a pool of sweat that he feels naked without a phone. He knows he isn't actually alone. Ruth and Nicola are just down the hall and his parents have a room just above theirs. But he doesn't want to roam the halls and startle his mother nor can he look himself in the mirror in the morning if he crawls into her bed like a helpless child.

When the silence becomes too much to bear, Liam switches on the television and lets the white light fill the otherwise dark room. There's nothing good on, but the soft voices help distract Liam long enough to lull himself back to sleep. 

He'd like to venture down the hall, crawl into bed with Louis and cry his eyes out, but he knows he lost that privilege the minute their lips met. Louis wouldn't possibly hold him now that Liam had crossed the line.

Somehow, against all odds, Liam eventually falls asleep.

**

A loud knock wakes Liam up in the morning. He feels groggy, hungover almost as he drags himself out of bed. It's likely Paddy, coming to check in on him.

He opens the door, surprised to find Louis with his phone.

“I figured out your pass code.” Louis presses the phone in Liam's palm. He holds it there, unmoving until Liam pulls it away.

“You know my mum's birthday?” Liam raises an eyebrow, wonders if Louis is that intuitive or just an expert and using Google.

“Of course. What kind of mate would I be if I didn't know Karen’s birthday? Great woman, you should feel proud.” Louis grins.

Liam doesn't point out that he doesn't know Johanna’s birthday. He thinks it falls sometime in the spring -- he remembers a celebration shortly after the snow began to melt, but Louis’ family is so large that it's hard to keep track.

“Please tell me you didn't text anybody,” Liam groans and scrolls through his text messages. Luckily, he's already deleted all traces of Sophia from his phone. He's not one to blackmail anyone, especially over a few racy photos that were taken strictly for his eyes.

There's no new outgoing messages, just a few scattered get well soons and one what the hell happened from Andy, who'd likely read about the cancellation via Twitter.

“I'm not a complete dickhead, Liam.” Louis sighs and crosses his arms.

“What?” Liam raises his gaze to meet a nose scrunched and indignant looking Louis.

“I'm all for a brilliant prank, but you should know better than anyone that I wouldn't pull shit at a time like that.” As offended as he looks, Louis doesn't sound angry. His voice is low, rough and aching almost. Louis sounds the way Liam feels.

“I didn't mean -- it's just,” Liam fumbles with his words. He doesn't know how to thank Louis or any of the boys for being so supportive even after letting them down.

There's an expected camaraderie that comes with the bond they've built after spending the past five years together. Liam knows the boys have his back, just didn't expect Louis to be so forgiving. If something seemingly so minute could tear whatever Louis and Harry had apart, then it makes no sense that Louis hasn't turned to ignoring Liam, too.

“I'm sorry,” Louis finally says. It doesn't take away from the pain Liam feels deep in his heart. It won't bring Sophia back, nor will it give Liam what he realises he's always wanted -- Louis.

“I'm sorry, too,” Liam admits, holding back from saying what he truly feels. “For everything.”

“Don't worry about it, we all do crazy shit during a break up.” Louis says it like he's the poster child for running rampant after how his last relationship ended. “But hey, we all move on. You did last time and you will again.” 

Liam nods, but knows things are different now. They're older and Louis, somehow both more reserved and even wilder all at once has become someone that not even Liam can reel in.

With the days winding down and Sheffield approaching, Liam doesn't have much time to think about the past. He focuses on what's important, mainly the album release that's just around the corner.

There are so many things he'd like to talk to Louis about. In the past, Louis lent an ear no questions asked. They created a judgment free zone that Liam thinks he may have destroyed.

“Want to play FIFA?” Louis offers.

“Now?” Liam knows it's a stupid question, but asks anyway to keep from sounding eager. They haven't played a single video game together since the ‘incident’ that Liam is trying to forget. 

“Yeah, come on.” Louis yanks on his arm in an attempt to move Liam toward the couch. 

Liam plants his feet firmly into the floor with a mischievous grin, but squirms when Louis pokes his ribs, making him squirm.

“I said come on, you twat!” Louis laughs. That's when Liam makes a break for it and runs straight for the television.

“I call ‘Player 1’!” Liam retrieves the controller, trying not to laugh when Louis gives him a look of pure indignation.

“Dick move, Payno,” Louis says with a grin, and he settles in next to Liam. “Just for that, I'm not showing you any mercy.”

“Oh yeah?” Liam taunts, his eyes crinkling at the corners. It's the first time in awhile he and Louis have been able to coexist without some sort of awkward silence. 

“Yeah!” Louis narrows his eyes and clutches his controller. “You're on.”

Liam wins three consecutive games before Louis gives up and tosses the controller over his shoulder. It lands somewhere behind them with nothing more than a quiet thud. Louis leans into Liam's side and laughs until all that's left for Liam to do is join him.

By the time they catch their breath and Louis sits up again, Liam's cheeks hurt from laughing harder than he has in ages.

“How did you manage to kick the ball in your own goal twice?” It takes all Liam has to hold back his laughter. If he so much as giggles, it's just going to set Louis off and they'll be stuck in an infinite loop of laughter. Not that Liam minds. He loves the fun, laughing until they're crying version of Louis that not many people get to seem.

“You got lucky this time,” Louis shrugs, a glint of mischief in his eye. “I've been outta practice.”

“Guess I did,” Liam nods, sharing a secretive smile between the two of them. He knows, even if Louis won't admit it, that he let him win. It isn't often Louis gives up that easily.

It's late when they finally pry themselves up from the sofa. Liam knows he won't sleep. His mind is reeling with songs unwritten and light melodies that pop in and out when he looks to Louis. 

"See ya tomorrow, mate?" Louis slaps Liam on the back, sending the two of them into another fit of laughter. Liam swings, tries to tap Louis on the balls, but he's too quick for him. Louis holds on to Liam's wrist with a triumphant smile.

“Nah,” Liam says with a laugh, obviously full of it. They have media first thing in the morning followed by their final show. He turns his arm over, Louis’ fingers still circling lightly around his wrist.

“Was nice to have a laugh with you again,” Louis finally says and then he lets go, Liam's arm dropping down. 

“I was,” Liam agrees with a smile he knows he won't shake for hours. If he concentrates, he can almost still feel the light pressure of Louis’ fingers pressing into his skin, long after he's gone. It doesn't feel like letting go, it feels like a new beginning.

**

The morning of the Sheffield show is bittersweet. Liam takes his time making his way to the venue because in his mind, it could be the very last time. He knows they plan to tour again, eventually, but Liam also knows that time changes things. Just months ago they were five lads touring the world, happy as could be.

Louis is extra bouncy and no matter how many times Liam touches his shoulder or side, he doesn't once shy away. It's almost as if the kiss never happened.

The audience is louder than ever. Liam doesn't know what's going through the other three boys’ heads. If they're feeling as nostalgic as he is, or if they're sad to see it all come to an end, at least for a little while.

When Liam runs down the catwalk, he vows to forget any bit of worry that's hanging in the back of his mind. They'll tour again. For the time being, he wants nothing more than to live in the moment and soak it all up.

Before Liam knows it, they're halfway through their set. He catches Louis looking at him from down the catwalk and they exchange matching smiles. 

Liam grabs a can of Red Bull from backstage, careful not to let Louis see. He isn't ready to be drenched and sticky, just a bit thirsty.

“Payno,” Louis shouts, as if on cue and struts across the stage for all to see. He makes a few failed grabs for the Red Bull, but Liam just pulls it back and out of reach.

“Not today, Tommo.” Liam smiles and something between the two of them changes.

Louis gives in. He slips one arm around Liam's shoulder, the second tugging him at the middle. There's screams from the audience coming from every which way, all becoming background noise when Louis fits so perfectly against him.

It's a long hug. Liam almost doesn't want to let go. He can almost feel the tension leave Louis’ body when he gives Liam's waist a squeeze.

“Gonna miss this,” Louis whispers.

“What?” Liam turns his ear to Louis’ mouth, arms still wrapped tightly around one another.

“This,” Louis mumbles and gives Liam another squeeze. “Getting to do all of these sick things with you, you know? Special times.”

Liam closes his eyes and leans into Louis with a hum. It only lasts for a minute, and then Louis pulls away with a pat to his shoulder. 

“C’mon!” Louis motions for Liam who, without hesitation, follows. Together, they make their way across the stage, laughing all the while.

Harry's almost done introducing their next song, which is the perfect opening for Louis to start their usual water fight.

It's a quick one this time -- just as few splashes here and there. There’s no waterfall of Powerade this time around, Liam rather glad to make it out mostly dry, instead of soaked, sticky and coloured from the fruity drink again.

All four boys can't stop hugging, even when you music is long over. Liam is sure that he caught Louis wiping at the corner of his eye, not that he'd ever admit to getting teared up.

Louis keeps close, giving Liam subtle touches for the remainder of the show. Their usual whispers and playful shoving doesn't stop, even when Niall gives his final thank you speech at the end.

Liam takes in all of Niall's words; it would be rude not to listen, but has to duck down when Louis gives him a hard whack on the thigh. He gives Louis a warning look. It isn't exactly appropriate to fool around at such a touching, significant moment. 

Niall seems to shrug it off. He surely has to have learned the way Louis’ behaviour can change between serious to childish at the drop of a hat.

Liam has to protect his crotch for about the fifth time that night alone and retaliates, pushing Louis across the stage to the best of his ability. It isn't easy -- Louis with his legs planted firmly, arms swinging.

They play around, pushing and shoving until Niall is finished and Liam knows it's time for them to acknowledge the crowd. Giving Louis one final little shove, he runs up to the edge of the stage.

The rest of the show is one of their best yet. Liam compliments the fans on how loud they are -- something he knows he's been teased for a time or two before, but this time he means it more than ever. He can't find a single person who isn't having the time of their lives.

When the music ends and the screams from the audience still ring out, Liam can't stop himself from smiling. Despite all of the ups and downs and everyone telling them they couldn't, they finished the tour.

Liam makes his way around, hugging each of his boys one by one. He starts with Niall, patting him on the back and wishing him luck. They'll see each other again, within days, but Liam knows Niall's been worried about the break since day one. 

He turns and to see who is next, expecting Harry, and finds himself face to face with a beaming Louis. So much for saving the best for last, he thinks.

Liam opens his arms, his fingers curling in to beckon Louis forward. Neither hesitate. Louis propels himself into Liam's arms and hugs, tighter than ever.

Louis is warm, slightly damp and smelling enough like sweat that it would cause Liam to recoil in another other circumstance. But Louis clings to his equally slightly wet body and they sway together in their embrace.

It doesn't last long, but Liam's heart skips a beat when they break apart. He thinks of the kiss again. Not how Louis’ face screwed up in confusion afterward, but the initial moment -- the way Louis’ soft lips and stubbled chin felt against his own. How if given the opportunity, Liam would do it again, no questions asked.

Liam can't wipe the smile from his face, even when he turns to face the remaining member he's yet to hug, Harry. 

Harry pulls Liam into a hug and per usual bandmate hugging protocol, they pat one another on the back with a smile. It's a nice hug, but lacking the familiar warmth that being engulfed in Louis’ smaller arms brought just moments ago.

There's more hugs given, this time to the band, followed by a final bow that tugs at Liam's heart from every which way.

Then, the lights dim and just like that, it's all over.

**

Promo season is just as exhausting as tour. Liam finds himself answering the same questions repeatedly, along with some ridiculous ones he grew tired of being asked years ago. Just for once he wants to talk about the creative process of writing the album, not what he looks for in a woman.

They're asked who's single and for the first time in years, all four of them raise their hands. Though he’s sure it won't last long, Liam doesn't feel all that bad about being single. Not when he can see that he isn't alone.

They play games, mostly ‘Never Have I Ever,’ which Harry refuses to answer most of the questions. But Liam is candid, happy to play. Who cares if everyone knows he's had sex on a plane? He grins when he waves around the paddle with a big ‘YES’ on the front. It isn't like Sophia is there to yell at him for his brutal honesty.

When the boys meet up with James Corden, they play more games. Harry gets a surprise tattoo and they sing along to their own music via Carpool Karaoke. Liam thinks it’s the most fun they've had on a promo tour yet and Louis, who catches him right before they're set to hit the stage for the Jingle Ball in LA, agrees.

Liam stretches his legs out on the sofa, eyes heavy while Louis prattles on about the now dubbed ‘Lads Holiday’ they're going to take. It's either lucky or a curse that they're one of the later performers. Liam feels slightly guilty not watching all of the acts, especially when so many of them were looking forward to One Direction’s set.

“Liam, are you even listening?” Louis waves a hand in front of his unflinching face.

“Yeah,” Liam lies. His mind has been preoccupied on other things, mainly what it's going to be like when he returns to Surrey. His house is nice, but Liam is already anticipating the emptiness that Sophia’s absence is going to bring.

“Alright.” Louis leans forward, studying Liam's face. “What did I say?” He smirks, clearly testing Liam.

“We're taking a holiday, you love my mum's cooking and I think at one point you even said something about us living together?” Liam gives a cheeky smile. He may have zoned out this time, but Louis has been quite consistent in bringing up these few things in the past several interviews.

“You win this time,” Louis replies, narrowing his eyes.

“I'll win next time as well,” Liam laughs. “Mum's always said it's important for a bloke to be a good listener. Quite think she'd love if you moved in, actually. I could use help with the laundry.”

Liam knows that Louis won't actually move in with him, especially at the mention of laundry, as nice as that would be. He anticipates the other three boys going off on their own for awhile and if they're lucky, they'll meet up again in due time.

“Get a room ready for me, I'll be there.” Louis throws his leg over Liam's and begins to play with the frayed end of string at the neck of Liam's hoodie. “Not gonna do laundry, though.”

“Part of the deal, man.” Liam shifts beneath Louis’ weight, not a bit taken aback by Louis being practically settled into his lap. It's never been anything out of the ordinary for them. He smiles, just barely, happy to have Louis close again.

“I never signed a contract,” Louis retorts and shoves the end of the hoodie string up Liam's nose in retaliation.

A tickle in Liam’s nose sends a shiver down his spine, makes him snort and throw his hands up in attempt to fight Louis away. He manages to pull Louis’ arm down and hold it there, threading his fingers with Louis out of pure instinct. It’s never been unusual for them to hold hands after a bit of roughhousing.

Louis throws his head back in a fit of loud, uncontrollable laugher until Liam is sure Louis is going to end up on the floor. He gives Liam’s hand a small squeeze and uses his strong hold as leverage, pulling himself forward until he’s unexpectedly pressed into Liam’s side.

“You’re such an idiot,” Liam says with a look that he hopes doesn’t read as being purely smitten. He can feel the warmth when a blush creeps over his cheeks, lowering his head and slipping his hand out from Louis’.

“I know,” Louis responds, no sarcastic comment or whack to the back of Liam’s head. He simply agrees, voice soft and dreamy sounding.

When no laugh or smack follows, Liam lifts his head. He finds himself face to face with Louis who, against all odds, looks almost as fond as Liam feels when they’re together. Liam opens his mouth -- he wants to say something, even if he isn’t sure what. He hardly has time to form a proper sentence when Louis moves in.

Louis brushes his lips over Liam's in a gentle, barely there way that makes something in his stomach swoop and brings up all those little feelings that he's been trying to forget ever existed.

Liam grabs Louis' face, hands tangling in his hair when he pushes forward and kisses him, their mouths open and slotting together perfectly. He doesn't know if Louis is screwing with him, but for that moment, doesn’t care. Not when Louis runs his tongue over Liam’s bottom lip and nips at the sensitive skin.

Kissing Louis is different than any other kiss he's experienced, a bit of stubble mixed with the taste of smoke. It’s slow and steady, Liam focused on the way Louis’ fingertips press into his knee. Everything about it is so very Louis, consuming Liam’s every thought. Even if he tries to picture a woman, he can't, so he doesn't. 

It only lasts around a minute. When Louis breaks away, he silently slides out of Liam’s lap, rising to his feet.

“Wait,” Liam merely whispers, but it’s too late. By the time he can even begin to comprehend what’s happening, Louis rounds the exit. When Liam rights himself and darts across the room, he realises it’s no use. Louis is already gone, lost somewhere in the middle of the crowded hallway.

**

X Factor is their final performance, as appropriately decided by the team as a whole. There's no better end, even if temporary, than going back to where it all began.

Liam's heartbeat quickens when he walks into the familiar building. Even years after the competition has passed for him, it's still nerve wracking. He can almost feel the tension of the finalists who are mulling after round backstage. All of these contestants, like Liam, were lucky enough to reside in a mansion and get to perform on television -- a dream come true. But there's stress and tension and the constant worry of not being good enough that comes with competition, something Liam also knows all too well.

He waves to Harry, who is already, expectedly, surrounded by a group of people. Niall is likely not far behind. Liam makes his way through the busy backstage area, looking for anyone he recognises. 

Liam spots Louis’ family, which means he has to be nearby. He decides to turn around and head back over to where Harry is. At least then he won’t have to have any potentially awkward conversations with the family of the boy he keeps accidentally kissing.

He lowers his head and starts to walk, fast, but Liam only makes it a good three steps before he slams right into someone.

“Sorry,” Liam mumbles as he raises his head to see who he had just bumped into.

There, tugging on the sleeve of his jumper, is Louis. He’s quiet, almost observant in nature.

Liam laughs nervously, like the universe is constantly playing some sort of horrible joke on him. He knew they’d run into each other eventually, just not that it would be so literal. 

“Payno,” Louis says when he finally speaks, throwing an arm around Liam’s shoulder with a trademark grin.

“Well.” Liam returns the smile. There's so much they need to talk about, but not much time, so he settles on giving Louis a simple pat on the back.

“Well,” Louis repeats. He, like Liam, doesn't say much. Instead, they share secret smiles between one another, the kind that says ‘it'll be okay.’

Thing is, Liam doesn't know that it will.

He’s dragged away before he can say much more. Ruth is beside herself, all smiles and just can't stop hugging her little brother. Had it been years ago, he'd push her off with blushing cheeks, but times have changed. Liam pulls her into a tight hug and Nicola joins in, squeezing him until he thinks his arms with go numb. Once his mum is finished with her photographing them from every angle, he's finally freed. 

There's group selfies, media and the four of them being pulled every which way that Liam doesn't think he's going to get more than a minute alone with Louis. They make eye contact from across the room, while Johanna kisses all over her son’s face. As much as Louis tries to act embarrassed, Liam knows what a real mama's boy he is at heart. 

“Mum, stop! I'm all made up.” Louis scrunches his nose and shakes his head until his mother backs off a bit. He doesn't dare mock wipe away any of her kisses, though. Not like Liam's sure he did after their kiss. “Go back to your seat, we're about to go on.”

Luckily, Liam's family is already seated.

The show itself is rather lengthy and yet full of immense talent. Liam isn’t as up to date on who all of the contestants are -- he didn’t mentor like Louis, but there isn’t a single one who doesn’t impress.

When it’s their turn to perform, Liam finds himself just as nervous as the first time.

“Bring it in, lads!” Louis shouts as they come together for one last pre-performance group hug. So what if Liam's fingers are a bit tighter around Louis’ middle than the rest.

It's an emotional whirlwind, like Sheffield all over again. Only this time, it's a different kind of end. It isn't the end of tour, but performing as Liam knows it, for at least a year. He'd never thought that there'd be a day where he wouldn't want to be out there, voice filling up a room, let alone the stadiums he's been so blessed to sing in.

Liam's seen the world. Not with his family and not in a conventional way -- a portion of it was spent locked away in hotel rooms and hiding from screaming mobs. But there's special moments, shared with three other boys that made it worth the while.

He feels as if he’s done it all -- from sitting atop Machu Picchu with Harry to surfing in Australia with Louis or standing in the middle of Times Square, late at night when most of the city is asleep. They are just a few of the moments that Liam cherishes the most.

He’ll never forget his first performance on X Factor with the boys, or how it felt when they’d lost the competition. How despite the news, they were five determined boys who wanted to prove they could still be successful. Little did they know how much they’d actually won.

There's a tug at Liam's arm and he thinks that maybe someone wants an autograph, having snuck back where they shouldn't be. But it's Louis, pushing up his jumper sleeves, head cocked to the side.

“Going to the after party?” There's a glint in Louis’ eye that tells Liam to back off, that this is some sort of trap.

“Dunno.” Liam shrugs. “Are you?”

Louis starts to laugh, eyes crinkling at the corners like Liam's just told the best joke. He's never been one for events that aren't exactly required, preferring to wander off with his entourage instead. He rests his hand at Liam’s side, a gentle gesture that’s followed by a pat.

Oli is talking to some brunette girl who keeps glancing over, all smiles. Whatever it is Oli is talking to her about, she isn’t listening. Liam thinks he’s seen her once in passing, not long after the Jingle Bell ended, back in LA. If she’s there for Louis, Liam doesn’t want to find out.

“No,” Liam finally says, unsure if that's the correct answer. “Thinking I'd get some sleep.”

“I'll sleep when I'm dead,” Louis replies with a laugh. His hand lingers, but slowly pulls away when he turns to leave. “See ya, Liam.”

Something tells Liam to follow after. It’s the first bit of attention that Louis has given him since that second kiss. But then Louis puts his hand on the small of the strange woman’s back and Liam feels his world come crashing down around him.

 

**

The hiatus starts off quietly. Liam settles in at home with his home with his parents who moved in at the end of November. His mum did an excellent job of making sure all reminders of Sophia were long gone before the holidays hit, though Liam can't help but think how differently Christmas time was just one year ago.

Christmas is the best yet, if not only because for once, Liam spends at at home with his family instead of in the middle of yet another grueling promo tour. When he watches his sisters open their presents, the thinks of his boys fondly. Somewhere, Louis is spoiling his six siblings, Harry is with his own family, and Niall is finally in Ireland for the first Christmas in years.

Once the dinner is done and the tree comes down, Liam is left to put away presents and find new ways to occupy his time. In years past, he’d already be back on a plane, getting ready for tour or recording another song.

With little to no responsibility, Liam needs to re-learn how to be “normal” again.

He doesn't pay attention to social media, save for a few tweets here and there. Most of the things he acknowledges are drawings someone's made of him and the boys or his dog. Liam plays around with snapchat filters and other random apps to pass the time. He takes a day to marathon watch Friends on Netflix and doesn’t once leave his room, save for food and bathroom breaks.

It isn't like he's completely pathetic. Liam is working out more, teaching himself to cook and weather permitting, learning how to golf. When the days are too cool to go for a swim, he jogs through the garden with Watson, who's really still just a giant puppy. They kick the ball around until dark. 

He, Andy and his dad go to the movies when Andy isn't preoccupied with his girlfriend. His sisters come by for supper more frequently and sometimes they even try cooking together. He posts shirtless selfies, because even though he's still not completely confident, he's working on that and why the hell not?

New Year's Eve is when Liam decides he's going to turn over a new leaf, quit smoking and make some serious changes in his life. He still has half a pack of cigarettes left when he throws the carton into the bin and promises himself that this is it. 

Louis is throwing a huge party, but the invitation was just a mass text to that Liam received four days prior. It’s obnoxiously addressed to hundreds of people that Liam doesn't have stored in his phone, many who insist on hitting reply to all. Liam is still receiving replies from some of Louis’ friends the day of the party.

He doesn’t plan on going, but it’s either that or celebrate in a giant igloo with his family, neither which sound promising. He sends a text over to Andy, who is all in favor of going to a real party this year, as long as his girlfriend can come along. In the end, Liam puts on a nice button up shirt, grabs a few bottles of liquor from his cellar and drives over to the venue Louis rented out.

There’s already a rather large crowd when Liam, Andy and his girlfriend show up. Preston is at the door, going over a list of names, but allows Liam’s group to pass by with just a nod. Liam is greeted with dim lights and loud music when he walks inside, feeling almost out of place without Sophia at his side. 

Andy gives his girlfriend a kiss on the cheek and seems so happy to have her at his side. She’s lovely and does her best to make sure that Liam doesn’t feel like a third wheel, always making sure to engage them both in conversation. Still, Liam can’t ignore the tinge of loneliness he feels whenever Andy pulls his girlfriend close. 

It’s pure luck when Liam excuses himself to use the toilet and finds himself in a short line, right behind Niall. He hadn’t thought to ask Niall if he’d be there, especially when he knew Harry was somewhere in LA.

“Liam!” Niall raises his glass, beer sloshing around and wraps an arm around him. “Why didn’t you tell me you were comin’?”

“I didn’t know you’d be here,” Liam says with a laugh. It’s a relief to know that even if Andy disappears with his girlfriend, he isn’t completely alone. Unless Niall has a date, too. “Did you bring a date?”

“Nah,” Niall answers with a shrug. “Just some mates is all.” He holds up one finger and then passes Liam his glass when the bathroom door opens up. “Just a second, alright?”

Liam nods and waits, then takes his turn when Niall’s finished. Neither recognise whoever else is in line, which makes Liam laugh. Louis always has been able to make friends in the most unconventional of places.

“So,” Niall begins when they find a place to sit. “You see Louis yet?”

“Nah, too many people.” Liam points over to the dance floor with a grin. “Andy’s over there, though. Trying to talk his bird into sneaking out early, I reckon.”

As if on cue, Andy looks over and waves.

“Christ,” Niall says with a laugh. “Louis’ around. Just hard to keep still. You know how he is.”

Liam watches the sheer amount of people who walk by and wonders just how Louis has met any of them. There was a time when they had a somewhat shared circle of friends. His friends became Louis’ and in turn, Louis’ friends were Liam’s.

Stan comes to join them, offering Liam some vodka, but he shakes his head and politely declines. He decides he’ll drink a glass or two of wine, the bare minimum for someone who’s trying to limit himself. Liam doesn’t feel like becoming an emotional drunk when things are still so up in the air with Louis.

“Where is Louis?” Andy asks when he comes back with a new drink.

“Question of the night, mate,” Liam replies and holds out his glass of wine. “Cheers, though?” They clink glasses and Niall jumps up, joining in. If all else fails, they can toast the night away.

It isn’t until close to 11:00 that Liam hears the familiar laugh that makes his heart skip. He whips his head around and immediately spots Louis, who’s busy leaning against the bar and taking shots.

Liam tries to call out, but it’s far too loud for Louis to hear him. He finishes his wine and looks into the empty glass with a subtle, “Oops, be right back.” No one seems to suspect the real reason for his sudden need to venture off to the bar.

“Liam!” Louis slurs a happy greeting and gives the bottom of Liam’s shirt a light tug. “Didn’t think you’d come. I’m glad you did.” He’s clearly a little drunk and yet his eyes still light up when he looks at Liam.

“Why wouldn’t I come?” Liam asks, even though he knows why. He just hopes that Louis’ drank enough to have forgotten about the past few months of awkward, one-sided kisses.

“Really glad,” Louis mumbles, pulling Liam into a tight embrace. He presses his face into Liam’s shoulder and just like that, Liam finds himself wanting to kiss him all over again. When Louis pulls out of the hug, he gives another wide, pleased smile. “Meet me in the photobooth after midnight, alright? It’s gonna be sick.”

Liam nods and can’t help but wonder what Louis means by that. Is he planning some big group photo? Does Louis want them to be alone? Are they going to kiss again? The last thought is enough to make him ask for a new glass of wine, just to calm his sudden nerves.

“See you then,” Louis says with a wink and slips back into the crowd.

By 11:30, Andy rolls his eyes and gives Liam a strange look.

“What?” Liam raises an eyebrow.

“You’ve checked your watch about fifty times in the past minute. You know there’s a countdown before midnight, right? I promise you haven’t missed it.” Andy starts to laugh which, much to Liam’s dismay, causes a chain of laughter around him.

“Shut up, I know that,” Liam retorts, feeling a bit embarrassed that Andy noticed his newly acquired nervous habit. “Just excited, alright?”

“You really need to get laid, man.” Andy laughs and shakes his head.

At 11:50, people seem to pour in from every possible direction.

The countdown to midnight has always been one of Liam’s favourites. Niall hands him a noisemaker and puts a ridiculous purple, paper hat on his head, to match the green one Niall’s been wearing for the past half hour.

Liam adjusts his hat and looks through the crowd, craning his neck in attempts to spot Louis. He thinks he can hear him somewhere in the middle of the room, but he’s lost amongst the sea of people in tall hats and paper tiaras. 

“10, 9, 8…” The crowd begins to shout.

Niall holds out his cup and gives Liam a big grin while they count.

“7, 6, 5.”

Liam smiles at Niall and then slips by Andy, moving towards the center of the room. He can hear Louis’ voice cheer in between the counting and knows that he’s getting close.

“4, 3, 2, 1.”

Liam is just two people away when he pushes his way to the middle and the countdown ends.

“Happy New Year!”

There’s confetti, noise makers, laughing and cheering, countless distractions that briefly pull Louis out of Liam’s line of vision. He finds him again, ready to rush over when it quickly becomes apparent that Louis isn’t alone. 

Louis is pressed in close, arms wrapped around and kissing the same girl that Liam had seen outside of the X Factor finale.

Liam does a double take. Maybe he's imagining it, having drank more wine than he remembers. Rubbing at his eyes and taking a second look doesn't change things. If anything, they're worse. He can just make out the curve of Louis’ smile as he tilts his head into the kiss. It isn't just a simple peck, it's heated, passionate and so much more.

Louis’ fingers in her hair and hand on the small of her back are signals that Liam never really had a chance.

Liam stumbles backwards over his own feet, feeling his heart seize up and leaving him breathless for a moment. Everything around him becomes a blur of confetti and people, the noise suddenly amplified. He pushes his way back through the crowd, apologising profusely when he reaches Andy.

“Are you alright, man? You look pale,” Andy questions, turning his mouth into a concerned frown.

“Feeling ill from the wine,” Liam lies, forcing the words out when the rest of him is shaking. 

He doesn’t know what he was expecting from Louis, if the photobooth was anything or just another game that Louis’ playing. All Liam is sure of is that he needs to get out of there. Fast.

**

January passes by before Liam knows it and February is quiet, yet painful. Thinking about Louis only makes his heart ache, but forgetting him is easier said than done.

He's reminded of the now meaningless impending holiday that's just days away every time he steps into Sainsbury’s. There's an oversized teddy bear at the entrance that he wants to laugh at -- the one they put by Niall's truck was so funny -- but these days it makes him feel embarrassingly bitter.

Liam checks his phone, almost instinctively, though doesn't know why. Louis hasn't texted him since the beginning of January, and that was just to thank him coming to his party. No ‘how are you doing’, or promised invitation to hang out came.

It's been even longer since he's last heard from Sophia, but Liam knows better than to expect anything from somebody who doesn't wish to be in his life anymore. ‘It's counterproductive, dear’, he can almost hear his mum say as he throws some braising steak into his trolley.

A few fans notice him when he's finished loading up his trolley. He's pretty sure people have taken to making more frequent trips there once he let it slip on Twitter. This time, if anyone recognizes him, they're not approaching him.

It isn't until he's ready to leave that a young woman pushing a trolley full of groceries and a small, blonde, little girl who doesn't look a day older than three come up to him.

“Hi,” The little girl says shyly when she turns her head full of curls up at Liam. She can't possibly know who he is, which is why he's okay with her waving her small hand and initiating childlike conversation.

“Hello,” Liam answers casually with a smile.

“Louis,” the young girl says back. It isn’t the first time someone’s confused Liam’s name with Louis’, but it’s the first time it makes him sad.

“No dear, that’s Liam,” the woman answers and then turns to Liam. “She’s a big fan, never can get the names quite right, though.”

Liam’s face softens and he lowers himself down until he’s eye level with the little girl. She giggles, then hides her face behind her small hands. He gladly poses for a few photos before paying for his groceries, thanking them both for being so supportive.

He thinks about Louis when he packs his groceries in his car, hearing his laugh in his head the entire drive home. Liam doesn’t sound like look, they don’t look alike, either. But they’re pretty inseparable, at least they were. Wherever Liam was, writing or sitting backstage, Louis wasn’t far behind.  
Geoff is watching the news when Liam carries the Sainsbury’s bags in. His mother immediately helps unpack the roast and assorted vegetables he had picked up for dinner.

“Did you have a nice trip?” Karen asks, like Liam went to Dubai instead of Sainsbury’s.

“Mum, I bought groceries,” he laughs in response. Liam doesn’t tell her about the little girl. Just months ago, he sat down with his mother and told her all about his plans to propose to Sophia by summer, travel somewhere exotic and eventually, raise a family of their own. Funny how things change, he thinks. 

There’s a feeling in the back of his mind that leaves him full of worry, that taunts him and tells him now he’ll never have children. Not if he’s gay.

“Get cleaned up and I’ll start on supper,” Karen says and kisses her son on the cheek, waving him away when he starts to cut up the potatoes. “You deserve a night off. You’ve worked so hard, dear.”

All Liam wants is a distraction.

“Go on, go on.” Karen shoos Liam once more, until he gives in and retreats to the bathroom. At least a shower will relax him, even if his head is still a mess.

Liam stares at himself in the mirror for far too long, until he's tired of the face that looks back. He takes a deep breath when he reaches for the electric shears and holds it in when he flips it on. Slowly, he watches as his hair falls into the sink. It isn’t until it’s all gone that he remembers to breathe again. 

When Liam stares into the mirror for a second time, he can't help but laugh. It isn't the first time he's buzzed off all of his hair, though it's the first time he's done it alone.

He immediately feels lighter, both physically and mentally. 

Liam takes a quick shower, letting the water rinse away any of the hair he forgot to brush away. It’s the first time he decides that he deserves to be happy, even if it means forgetting all about Louis for awhile. He’s going to focus his energy where it matters most -- on writing, producing and definitely not someone whose heart doesn’t belong to him.

Dinner is cooking in the oven, Liam can already smell it, but he can hear that his mum is still busy, cleaning up after herself.

“Am I allowed to help now?” Liam asks.

Karen gasps when Liam walks into the kitchen and runs a hand over his freshly buzzed head.

“Just hair, mum,” Liam says and opens the fridge. He grabs a carton of juice, shuts the fridge and then pours himself a glass. There’s no point in explaining why he had the sudden urge to shave his head, why he spends some days locked inside of his music room or why he hasn’t spoken to Louis in ages.

“I loved your hair.” Karen sighs. “The curls were starting to come in. Reminded me of when you were just a boy.”

“I’m not a boy anymore, mum,” Liam has to remind Karen.

She looks at the glass of orange juice and Liam knows what she’s thinking -- that he’ll spoil his dinner if he fills up on sugar. But Karen doesn’t say anything. Liam’s an adult now. Instead, she smiles, shakes her head and points to the dishes by the sink.

“If you insist,” Karen responds with a smile.

Liam washes the dishes, not because he loves to clean, he’s a rather messy individual most days, but because he wants to remember what it’s like to be normal. He misses the days when his mum would reprimand him to clean up his bedroom, when he came home from school to cheese toasties and a tall glass of squash.

There’s a feeling of accomplishment that comes with clean dishes and a kitchen that smells of his mum’s roast dinner that’s always reminded him of home. It’s something he’s never had on tour, someone else always being there to do simple things, like laundry, for him.

When dinner is ready and his family gathers around the large table to eat, it’s nice. It’s a table he envisioned his own future family at. But when he takes a bite of roast and thinks of what family means, a second group comes to mind. 

He pictures that familiar blue and white polka dot tablecloth and the boys and crew who became his second family crowded around it. Liam imagines Niall, shoving mashed potatoes in his mouth, Harry taking slow sips of coffee and Louis, sitting cross legged and telling Liam his favourite dirty joke of the day, hand wrapped around his all the while. 

Now that Liam is finally home with his real family, the second one lingers, remaining there in the back of his mind for the rest of the night. Somehow, he feels homesick. 

**

March starts off busy, Liam jetting off to LA to present some music he wrote to a few different artists. There are a few upbeat, risque songs, but the majority are about love, either lost or newly discovered. Some of his very best, he’s lucky enough to be pitching to Jennifer Lopez.

He doesn’t just write -- he writes pieces of music on the keyboard and laments the nights when he and Louis would squeeze together on a piano bench and write for hours. More often than not, Liam would need to detach a blurry eyed Louis from his side and lead him out to a car that would get him home safely.

Liam tries his best not to think about Louis, but it’s hard when in the past five years of his life, most of his most significant memories revolved around him.

Liam returns to London in April, when the weather is expectedly rainy. Watson mopes around the house and stares at Liam for hours, when the weather forces them inside for longer than either would like.

When there’s a break in the clouds, Liam takes him for a nice jog around the park. It’s muddy and he’s sure his mum will have a fit when they track the mud in later on, but Watson has an absolute blast chasing squirrels and jumping in the puddles. For a split second, Liam feels like a kid again.

They make it halfway between Sainsbury’s and Liam’s favourite sweet shop when the sky becomes overcast again, and he’s forced to jog through the rain with a muddy dog that’s approximately the size of a small horse.

Someone honks a car horn and Liam doesn’t look up, only walks faster. He’s not in the mood to be papped when he looks like he just came out of a swamp, nor does he want to stop and take photos with anyone.

“Slow down, you twat!” A familiar voice yells out of the car window.

Just like that, Liam knows he’s being sucked into the eye of the storm. It isn’t lightning or hail or any other natural disaster that threatens to harm him physically. It’s much worse. The storm is Louis.

“Were you going to ignore me, Liam?” Louis slows his car to a stop and scrunches his nose when he sticks his head out the window. Watson barks, but his tail wags.

“I didn’t know it was you.” Liam frowns, holding tightly to Watson’s lead. The dog is just itching to run over to Louis and lick his face, but Liam isn’t going to let go.

“Almost didn’t recognize you with the awful choice of hairstyle.” Louis raises his eyebrows, then knits them together. “What type of crisis are we in now, Payno?” He was the one who, against his better judgement, Liam let shave his head the last time he had a breakdown. Of course Louis noticed something was off.

Liam only shakes his head.

“Well, get in then,” Louis says, like it’s the simplest of solutions.

“But--”

“I’ll get it cleaned, just get in,” Louis groans. 

It takes a bit of patience and a whole lot of maneuvering to get Watson both into the backseat of the car and calm enough to sit still. There’s, shockingly, little mud left on the seats by the time they make the short trip back to Liam’s.

The rain comes down in buckets by the time Louis shifts his car into park again.

“Text me sometime, yeah?” Louis fixes a stray piece of hair in the mirror and then presses his lips together in a thin line. “You still have my number, right?” He laughs, tone rather sarcastic.

“I do, just been busy.” Liam only half lies. 

“Listen.” Louis turns in his seat, letting out a long sigh. “We’re taking that trip, alright? Me, you, Harold and Neil. We’re going to go and relax and you’re going to stop thinking about whatever shit it is that’s making you think you’re going mad. Got through it last time, you’ll get through it again.”

“I wish I could believe that,” Liam says, feeling uneasy. Louis rests a hand over Liam’s knee, and gives it a slight squeeze. The gesture that’s meant to calm him does the opposite and makes him wonder if Louis even knows that he’s the one Liam’s upset with.

“Believe it,” is all that Louis says back.

Liam likes to think that Louis’ hand lingered at his knee for a little too long, but he knows it’s all in his head. Louis goes from comforting to preoccupied with texting in a matter of seconds and Liam knows that he’s fighting a losing battle for Louis’ attention.

“Anyway, thanks for the ride.” Liam slips out of the car and begins the task of getting his large, stubborn dog out of the back. Watson turns his nose up at the mention of a walk, now that he can hear thunder somewhere in the distance, accompanying the pouring rain.

“Hey,” Louis says, lowering his phone. “Band meeting this weekend, alright?”

“Okay,” Liam agrees, but only because he’s occupied with his attempts to coax Watson out of the car. “Put the phone down and help, maybe? Your damn girlfriend can wait five minutes,” he mumbles, tugging the leash as hard as he can.

“Don’t be bitter because she has what you want,” Louis mutters with a dismissive wave of his hand. If it’s meant to be a joke, it’s a cruel one.

Liam yanks on the lead one last time, cursing under his breath. He can’t wait to get out of the rain, to crawl into the warmth of his bed and think of anything other than the way he feels around Louis. Even when Louis teases him, the urge to kiss him creeps in again, begging Liam to confess his deepest, most private thoughts.

Finally, whether it be his constant bribing with the promise of biscuits or the loud, jarring clap of thunder that makes them all jump, Watson dives out from the back seat. Liam has to brace himself, Watson hellbent on making a run for the house and almost pulling him down in the process. Louis, of course, just laughs.

“Did you want to come in?” Liam asks, against his best judgement. 

“Can’t.” Louis shrugs, but then his eyes light up. “I’m on my way to a meeting. I’ve been getting things rolling with that all girl band I’ve been telling you about. I’ll have to send you some of the stuff, it’s sick.”

Liam nods and then, once again, watches Louis slip back out of his life for awhile.

**

Louis keeps his word, e-mailing Liam some rough cuts of the band he’s been working on. The girls are young, but like they were, eager to succeed. Liam likes what he hears so far, but there’s no real conversation outside of an e-mail or two here and there. Neither bother to text.

Not until Harry comes through with a group text that reads, “Meeting Saturday night at 10, directions to follow.”

Liam doesn't question it. A break is a break and a text like that can only mean one thing -- The “Lads Holiday” is a go.

When Saturday comes around, Liam takes his time getting ready. He doesn’t know what to expect, if it’s going to be a night of drinks and keeping Louis out of trouble, or just the four of them catching up and planning their impending holiday. Liam hopes for the latter.

Paddy shows up with a car by quarter to ten and Liam pulls up the directions via Harry on his phone. They’re meeting at some hole-in-the-wall pub that Harry prefers to London’s noisy, crowded. Liam lets out a sigh of relief when the car pulls up to the rather low key looking venue.  
“Over here,” Niall shouts, arms waving when Liam walks in, Paddy not too far behind. There are a few people whispering when Liam walks by, trying to sneak a photo or two, but for the most part, everyone seems to be keeping their distance. Having security nearby helps.

“What’s new?” Liam smiles when he approaches Niall and Harry, realising how much he’s missed the faces he grew used to seeing on a daily basis. Louis, in typical fashion, is nowhere to be seen.

“Been really strange sleeping in,” Niall admits and pulls out his phone to show Liam some pictures. The first few are what Liam expected to see -- golfing with the few occasional selfie. Not only has Niall been immersing himself in Derby County and enough golf to ideally make him a pro, he’s been traveling, too.

Liam is surprised by what follows next in Niall’s camera roll. There’s photos of landscape after landscape of some of the most beautiful places Liam’s ever see. 

“He’s quite the world traveler,” Harry says with a grin, giving Niall a poke in the side. “Already did enough traveling without us.”

“Just Melbourne, Bali, Boracay, Vietnam, you know, the usual. But I have some pretty sick ideas for our trip, just you wait!” Niall holds up a rolled up piece of posterboard that Liam knows has to be pretty great. Anything Niall put that much effort into is bound to be amusing.

Harry's been traveling, too, visiting Miami and writing music in his down time.

Smiling, Liam watches as Niall and Harry play around. As relieving as having a break has been, he’s missed his boys. They’re immersed deep in conversation when Louis arrives, loud and all smiles.

“Good to see you lads!” Louis says, setting down a round of drinks. He may not have come with a poster like Niall, but Liam knows Louis has a plan. The drinks are all part of his angle.

It’s difficult for Liam, trying not to stare at Louis. His hair is a bit longer, sticking out from beneath an Adidas snapback, but he's shaved maybe a day or two ago and his usual stubble is visibly shorter. But he seems happier, lighter even. 

Liam wonders what Louis’ been up to these days, if he's happy with how they've left things off. He's been travelling -- skiing or something with his new girlfriend, not that Liam's been keeping tabs on him via social media.

Louis doesn’t waste time with filling everyone in on what he’s been up to. He takes a gulp from his pint, sets it down and begins to make a plea for his case. Louis wants to fly to Maldives and since he's decided that he’s the one planning the lads holiday, he comes in ready to fight for it. 

Niall unrolls his poster, an intricate list full of reasons why Scotland is the place for them to be. It’s covered in pictures and puns that Liam knows are Harry’s own personal contributions.

Louis doesn't have gimmicks or props for it like Niall, but is adamant and stubborn as hell.

“So,” Louis slams his palm down on the table, making their mugs clatter. “As great as that poster is, Neil,” he says with emphasis on the nickname, “we're going to Maldives.”

“Maldives could be nice,” Liam admits and not just because he's looking to get back on Louis’ good side.

“Atta boy, Payno, that's the spirit!” Louis gives that shit eating grin that Liam's come to appreciate.

Like in the past, Liam has to work to gain Louis’ approval. They've argued and clashed, grew close and then pulled apart all because of Liam's stupidity. Louis smile is what makes Liam think it'll all be okay, if only for one second.

“That's not fair, Liam always takes your side!” Niall protests until Harry gives his side a small nudge.

“Let's try it, it's more remote than Scotland. Just think of the beaches.” Harry's smile is wide and apparently just as convincing as Louis when it comes to Niall. “If we hate it, then we’ll go to Scotland.”

“Is that a yes, lad?” Louis asks, looking rather pleased with himself.

“Yeah, yeah. Let's go to Maldives.” Niall finally says with a sigh that sends Louis into a loud cheer.

“Get us some drinks, Nialler,” Louis demands. “We’ll celebrate!”

“Why do I have to get them?” Niall raises an eyebrow.

“Loser buys, remember?”

“I never agreed to that bet,” Niall counters, but doesn’t argue. He just smiles. “At least I know I can outdrink you.” With that, he taps Harry’s shoulder. “C’mon, help me carry everything?”

“I’ll accept that challenge,” Louis shouts at the back of Niall’s head when he and Harry disappear towards the bar.

Liam taps his fingers on the wooden table, trying his best not to look directly at Louis. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to look at his mouth again without remembering how he tastes.

But Louis is predictable and like clockwork, he reaches out and taps Liam’s nose.

“Why’d you agree with me?” Louis cocks his head to the side. It'll be just a minute before the other two come back from their trip to the bar, giving Liam only enough time for the condensed version of whatever it is he needs to say.

“I just did.” Liam shrugs. “Besides, like Niall was actually serious about Scotland.”

“Oh,” Louis laughs. “But he was.” His smile is familiar, warming Liam up and making him ache all at once. “You saw that ridiculous poster.”

Laughing, Liam gives his head a shake. 

“And those awful jokes, all Harry.” Louis smiles, giving Liam a nudge. “Thanks for siding with me. It’s gonna be a sick holiday, promise.”

“Better be, or we’re throwing you into the ocean.” A grin tugs at the corners of Liam’s mouth, widening when Louis scoffs in response. As hurt as he’s been, Liam wouldn’t actually toss Louis into the ocean -- not as anything more than a bit of fun, anyway.

He can’t help but wonder if Louis knows, if he even noticed that Liam had left his New Year’s party early. They haven’t spoken in months and Louis doesn’t once question why.

Louis just hooks his arm around Liam’s, smiles, and easily fits himself back into Liam’s life, like he’s never left.

**

Maldives is perfect. Liam knows the minute he steps off of the plane, though groggy from his in flight nap, that they made the right choice. Sometimes Louis knows what he's talking about.

It’s already humid, a welcoming change from months of cold, rainy weather back home in London. He pulls his jumper off, somewhere between the ride to the ferry and the island, and tucks it away in his bag.

Liam is the first one to arrive. When the ferry attendants wish him a pleasant time and the boat pulls away, he's left with a feeling of absolute peace. He picks the bungalow on the right with no particular rhyme or reason, just because he needs somewhere to leave his bags. 

The silence, though relaxing, doesn’t last for long.

“Wow.” Louis’ voice fills the quiet air, followed by Niall, who repeats the sentiment.

“I have to admit,” Niall says, “this place is pretty nice.”

Louis and Niall show up together, having shared a ferry on the way over. Niall walks along the boardwalk with a long, metal contraption that turns out to be a metal detector. One that Louis’ apparently been laughing at for the past half hour.

“He thinks he’s actually going to find some hidden treasure out here,” Louis laughs, eyeing the mental detector.

“And I’m not sharing a single piece when I do,” Niall replies with a nod.

Harry is the last to arrive, who shows up in an open, flowery shirt and a ridiculous hat on his head that Louis can’t stop snickering over.

“It’s practical,” Harry says and tips the hat down to show it off. “We’ll see who’s laughing when you’re flying home as red as a lobster.”

They enjoy a late dinner of the most exquisite seafood and even Niall admits it’s better than what they’d be eating if they chose Scotland instead. Harry gets laughed at again when he orders a drink with not one, but two umbrellas -- one that ends up in his hair, compliments of Niall.

“‘S good colour for ya, Harry,” Niall says with a grin, and runs his finger over the umbrella. Harry just preens and continues to show it off.

“At least it’s better than the damn hat,” Louis whispers to Liam with a snort.

To anyone else, they probably looked like the loudest, most obnoxious group of friends ever, bickering their way through their meal. Liam, on the other hand, couldn’t be happier. He finally has all of his boys back in one place.

**

Liam wakes up early, just before the sun rises and breathes in the fresh air with a happy sigh. He looks over at Louis, who's face down, tangled in the blankets and still snoring quietly. Slipping out of bed, Liam stretches his arms over his head and walks out onto the bungalow balcony, water as far as he can see.

It's quiet in the adjacent bungalow -- no whirring of the NutriBullet or Niall’s infectious laughter tips Liam off that they're still fast asleep.

He climbs down to the lower platform, feet hanging over the edge as he sits and waits for the sun to come up fully. It would have been nice to watch with Louis, he thinks, but knows better than to wake him up. Feet skim the top of the cool water while the sun turns the sky different shades of pinks and oranges. 

The soft creak of the floorboards break the silence and Liam turns his head to see Harry walking over, sans Niall.

“You're up early,” Harry says softly as he lowers himself down into the empty space next to Liam. He runs his fingers through his hair, pushing it out of his face as he turns his head out towards the open water.

“Thought I'd enjoy some peace and quiet before Tommo’s awake,” he laughs, unable to hide his fond smile.

“About that.” Harry dangles his feet over the edge, long legs dipping beneath the once clear surface of the water. Outward ripples form and expand out and Liam kicks his right leg underwater, making one of his own.

“Do we have to do this now?” Liam watches the two separate sets of ripples clash together, fighting for that open space that neither can have. It makes his stomach sick to think what Harry could possibly have to say.

“What better time than now?” Harry smiles warmly. “Louis can’t run away when he’s on a secluded island.”

Liam knits his brows together. He can only think to one time when Louis ran away, during their holiday show in LA, but how did Harry know about that?

“What did he tell you?” Liam swallows, hard. It’s been hard enough to come to terms with his evolving sexuality without everyone knowing just how much he’s been questioning things. Kissing Louis was stupid, he admits, but it was also something that opened up Liam’s eyes to a whole new world of possibilities.

“Nothing,” Harry says, clearly lying by the way the corners of his mouth turn into a cheeky smile that he’s trying to hide.

“He told you we kissed?” Liam’s eyes widen in disbelief.

“What?” Harry turns his head, eyes just as wide. “No, he didn’t tell me that.”

“Shit,” Liam feels his stomach drop, realising what he just admitted to. “Then what did he tell you? Because he hasn’t exactly been open with me.”

“Li-am.” Harry rests a hand over Liam’s and lowers his voice, like he has a well-kept secret to tell. “It’s obvious how much he’s fancied you for the past, I don’t know, five years. Everyone’s noticed it.”

Liam bites his lip, hard. If Harry’s noticed, does that mean Niall has as well? What about the rest of the guys in the band? Then, just like that, he’s brought back to the night where it all began to unravel. When Sophia left. Even his own girlfriend knew.  
“It’s not a bad thing. He's changed a lot.” Harry shrugs. He's right. They all have. Harry's grown into a more slightly more serious, clumsier version of the cherub-like boy from X Factor with wonder and passion for everything life brings.

Louis stopped with the ridiculous jokes involving fake birds and photographing paparazzi back. His humour is still there, hidden beneath the layers. But Louis has become a much more reserved version of himself, shutting himself out to the real world. His public persona focuses first and foremost on all that he wants to discuss -- the music. 

But his penchant for trouble and those secretive, fond looks that Louis only shared with Liam only grew as time went on. The loud, completely mad boy who attached himself to Harry early on took a new course and in the end, found Liam. If it’s love, Liam doesn’t know, but it’s something that he knows can’t be ignored any longer.

“I didn't mean to steal him from you.” Liam looks up at the sun as it seems to grow larger and bolder, ready to turn their skin to a warm, golden colour.

“Steal him?” Harry laughs and Liam instantly realises how stupid that sounds when he doesn't think they'd actually dated or anything of that sort. “Liam, he's always been yours.”

“And yours, and Eleanor’s, and whoever he dating now, I dunno, I haven't really met her. Didn't want to to be quite honest.” Liam doesn't know if Harry is just humoring him, but there's a list of people Liam's seen Louis with in just this past year alone.

Louis can't possibly be his when he's off spending his time with someone new.

“But there's something you have that all of those people don't,” Harry points out and Liam knows immediately that he means Louis.

“I haven't even spoken to him in ages,” Liam says with an ironic laugh. “Not before we planned the trip, anyway.”

“Have you tried to talk to him?” Harry raises an eyebrow, like talking to Louis is the obvious choice. Of course they talked, quite a few times about music, movies and how much Louis is going to drink on the beach.

“I'm sharing a bungalow with him, Harry. It's kind of hard not to, don't you think?” Liam shakes his head. It isn't like he was forced to share a space with Louis. When it came time to pick rooms, Louis, without a second thought, claimed Liam as his bunkee.

“I’m just saying,” Harry says with a shrug. “It’ll do you some good.”  
“Hey Payno, fancy a beach recce today?” Louis pops his head out of the bungalow window, stifling a yawn. His hair is flattened against one side of his head, the rest sticking up every which way.

Harry rises to his feet, pats the back of Liam's head and gives him a knowing look when their eyes meet. Liam doesn't need Harry to speak to know that he thinks Liam should say yes.

“Alright, sure,” Liam says when he stands, just catching a last glance of Harry, who disappears into his bungalow. 

“Good mate.” Louis jumps down from the last step and gives Liam's shoulder a squeeze. “Don't reckon there's actually any treasure buried out there or anything like Niall seems to think, but there's gotta be some sort of trouble we can get into.”

“Plenty,” Liam agrees.

**

The minute they’re alone, Louis wastes no time transitioning from obnoxious brother to the handsy, soft version of Louis that Liam brings out in only the utmost private of settings.

“I've really missed you,” Louis admits, holding Liam tightly against his chest. The hug feels like one of their last, back in Sheffield, when both were scared to say goodbye.

“Missed me or missed having someone to dump water on?” Liam squeezes Louis around the middle. If he's honest, he misses both.

Louis lifts his head to smile, a glint in his eye that catches Liam's attention. It makes his heart ache with a strong, sudden need for all of Louis.

‘Kiss him,’ his brain taunts when Louis’ face is just inches away, but he knows how this story ends, at least how it did the last two times. He straightens himself up, doing his best not to look directly at Louis.

“I don't understand you anymore,” Louis merely whispers, toes digging into the hot sand. 

Liam frowns, because even he doesn't understand himself these days. His parents think he misses Sophia -- that he needs a bit of mourning and then he'll move on.

But Sophia, ironically, is the last thing on Liam's mind. Once she emptied their walk in closet of her designer clothing and slipped out of his life, it was almost as if they'd never even dated. He thinks of her, at times, if only to reminisce of the days when things were simple.

Liam wants to shake Louis. He wants to yell and tell him that there's nothing to understand. They kissed, twice, and now Louis has a girlfriend. Nothing he can say will change that.

The silence is broken, though only by the sound of the waves lapping at shore.

There’s plenty Liam wants to say, but none that seems appropriate.

“Liam,” Louis says under his breath, breaking the silence. “Why won’t you talk to me?” He reaches out and curls his fingers into the crook of Liam’s elbow, holding him there. “I’m not letting you go anywhere until you talk to me again.”

“You haven't said more than five words to me in months, Louis. Too busy with your girlfriend.” Liam doesn't know her, but when he thinks about it, he doesn't want to. He knows his tone is bitter enough without insulting the poor girl he knows nothing about.

“We broke up, Liam,” Louis snaps, releasing Liam from his grip. He looks down when they begin to walk again and Liam's gaze follows to the trail their footprints leave behind. It's proof they were there, existing together at one point, even if not as lovers like Liam had once imagined.

“What, why?” Liam's head snaps up. He hates how obvious he is, how his hope begins to rise when he knows it shouldn't. Harry is wrong. Louis was never Liam's. Still, there’s a light inside of Liam that switches on after months of being in the dark. Now just may be his chance to set things right.

Louis shrugs. If he doesn't want to talk about it, he won't. He’s grown to be stubborn, Liam’s learned, and that's just fine. The sun is bright, warming their faces and the air smells sweet, like flowers and crystal clear water.

“I'm sorry.” Liam takes Louis’ hand and gives it a tight, reassuring squeeze. “A good lad once gave me some great advice.”

“Yeah?” Louis doesn't look up.

“She's gonna regret it.” Liam remembers far too well how much a broken heart can hurt. His heart broke twice the day he and Sophia split. He thinks about lost love often, these days, but it’s never Sophia who he longs for, it’s Louis.

“Doubt it.” Louis shrugs. “Think she wants someone a bit more normal. Someone more like you, I reckon.” His smile is sincere, though Liam knows he’s far from whatever Louis’ definition of normal may be. 

Liam takes a deep breath and everything around him seems to stop for that split second. It’s the very last thing he wants to say, despite the thoughts that consume him every time Louis is near, and yet the one thing he needs to, if not for himself, then his sanity.

“Do you think it's normal to think about snogging your best mate?” Liam asks with an awkward laugh. It’s meant to sound like a joke, though both know it isn’t.

"Thought about it, yeah?" Louis tips his head to the side and looks at Liam in a way that's less judging than he was expecting. It's a curious look, more like he's sincerely trying to figure out what's going on inside of his head.

"Is that bad?" Liam bites his lip. If his best friend thinks it's wrong, then maybe it is.

"Don't know," Louis says with a shrug, eyebrows raised. “Are you coming out of the closet, Liam?”

“No,” Liam just about chokes. It's a terrifying thought that he isn't ready to think about. He doesn't think that he's gay, per say, but his undeniable thoughts about Louis aren't going away. The more he thinks about it, Liam doesn't think he wants them to.

“You're not putting a label on it.” Louis worries the hem of his jumper between his fingers when he speaks, voice an octave lower. “You're thinking about things that your brain tells you is wrong when every other part of your body is saying no, it's fine. And you don't want to admit that you're feeling this way. Not when everyone's assumed those things about you for ages.”

Liam opens his mouth, but the words stay jumbled in the back of his mind. He doesn't need to ask how Louis knows exactly what Liam is thinking. It's Louis whose admitting his own feelings.

“I know what it's like to be ashamed of who you are,” Louis admits. 

“What do you mean?” Liam furrows his brows. Louis can’t possibly mean what he thinks he does.

Louis lunges forward. It makes Liam flinch, scared that he's about to get hit or something for another dumb comment. And he is, just not the way he's expecting. Their mouths bump together for a split second, but then Louis licks into his mouth with a whimper, breath hot and tickling his chin. He wants to believe that this is something, not a joke, but he doesn't kiss back. He's frozen with worry.

“Liam,” Louis sighs, lips still hovering over Liam’s mouth. “Liam, kiss me.”

“I… can’t,” Liam whispers. As much as wants to, has wanted to for months, his heart can’t handle another repeat of the previous events. He can’t stand to see Louis walk away again.

“Please,” Louis mumbles, pressing his palm flat against Liam's chest.

Liam closes his eyes, sure that Louis can feel the heavy beating of his heart.

“I thought you kissing me was some sort of rebound shit,” Louis admits with a shrug. “Not that I didn't want it, or think about it for days after, obviously.” He pulls back, twisting a piece of fringe around his finger -- a nervous habit.

“You started dating someone else.” Liam unintentionally balls his fists, thinking back to the night of Louis’ party. If Louis thought about Liam, he got over it the minute he laid his hands on her.

“I told you,” Louis starts, his voice transcending to that vulnerable state that’s so rare. “I was ashamed, Liam. I thought that, maybe, dating someone else would make it stop. That I wouldn’t keep wanting to…” 

“...Kiss your best mate?” Liam says with a sudden understanding, eyes softening.

“Yeah,” Louis merely whispers.

Any doubts Liam has dissolve the minute Louis kisses him again.

**

Niall and Harry are nowhere to be found when Liam and Louis make it back to their bungalow. He remembers Harry talking about looking for treasure down in the sand when Niall showed up with his metal detector. Though Louis initially mocked the two of them, Liam is glad they’ll likely be busy for a good portion of the afternoon.

As expected, the treasure finding contraption is nowhere to be seen.

“Come inside?” Louis asks, wrapping his hand around Liam’s wrist and giving him a yank towards their shared bungalow. Even inside, the sun shines through, casting rays of sunlight across the wooden floor. It’s hot beneath Liam’s feet, like the sand they had just crossed over moments ago.

“How does lunch sound?” Liam starts his way over to the kitchenette, but is stopped in his tracks when something soft hits him in the middle of his back. “Louis, really?” He asks, turning to see what kind of trouble Louis managed to conjure up in the matter of seconds.

“You tell me.” Louis stands, arms crossed and fully unclothed. Balled up at Liam’s feet lie the swim bottoms Louis was still wearing moments ago.

Liam is certain his heart stops for a solid minute.

“Fuck,” he curses under his breath when Louis turns, giving him a 360 view of everything he’s been desiring about for months. None of it seems real -- Liam has to pinch himself to make sure that he’s not in the middle of a really vivid dream. His hands begin to tremble when Louis crosses the room and sits at the edge of his bed. 

Liam is a mixture of nerves and excitement that he can’t shake, long after he follows and presses his palms to Louis’ chest. Louis submits to his touch, leaning in and looking up at him with hungry eyes.

“Lie back,” Liam says, giving Louis a little push. He smirks, satisfied when Louis’ back hits the mattress with a thud. Liam crawls over Louis, leans down and their mouths connect once more. 

Louis’ hands find their home at Liam’s hips and he brushes the pad of his thumb over the skin, making Liam shiver, senses awakening with each and every slight touch.

Liam cants his hips down, feeling the solid pressing of Louis’ already hardening cock against his thigh. There’s just a thin layer of fabric between them -- his swim trunks, that he pushes down so that he can feel all of Louis’ skin against his own.

“Christ.” Louis runs his hands up Liam’s chest, down his arms and back again, back arched slightly. “You’ve always been so fit, do you know that?” 

“Shh,” Liam whispers, too focused on Louis’ body to start a debate about his own. It’s all new to him, from kissing a guy down to the intimate details that he knows next to nothing about. He kicks his swim bottoms to the floor and aligns their bodies, pushing his weight down and in turn getting a similar response from Louis, who grinds his hips up.

Mouth attached to Louis’ neck, sucking and biting at the skin, Liam rolls his hips in fast, downward motions until their cocks are both fully hard and bumping together. He bites down on the soft skin once more and Louis elicits a low, filthy moan that Liam hopes to hear again.

“Gonna need more than that,” Louis urges and slides his hand up Liam’s solid back.

Liam nods and lowers down, kissing a wet trail over one of Louis’ nipples, stomach and eventually hips. He licks at the slightly salty skin, closing his eyes when Louis sighs with content. 

“Don’t laugh if I’m shit at this, alright?” Liam presses a single kiss to Louis’ inner thigh and then moves just an inch to give the head of Louis’ cock a light, tentative lick. Louis’ breath hitches beneath him and Liam moves on, sucking the tip into his mouth. 

“Jesus, Liam, where -- where did you learn that?” Louis speaks in between heavily growing pants, eyes locked on Liam's.

Liam doesn't know, just knows what he likes on himself and goes from there. He takes more in, careful to keep his teeth covered, focused on the sounds Louis makes more than anything.

“Liam,” Louis whines, his fingers struggling to grip onto hair, skin, a shoulder -- anything, it seems.

Liam doesn't answer. He drags his tongue along the underside of Louis’ cock and then lifts his head, feeling a bit woozy and like he's trapped inside of a dream. 

He wraps his hand around the base of Louis’ cock and gives a few quick tugs just to watch the way Louis hips arch up and his back curves beneath Liam's touch. 

Liam wants more, but doesn't know how to ask. It isn't like he's ever sucked someone's cock before. But the more Louis rolls his hips, rutting into his palm, the more Liam wants to please him.

“Do you want to get each other off?” Liam finally asks in between the low, lazy strokes he's giving Louis’ dick.

“No, Liam.” Louis rolls his eyes and his hips. “I wouldn't possibly want to come when I just had your mouth on my dick.” He pushes Liam off with a huff to straddle his waist.

The ceiling lights behind Louis creates a halo around his body, making him look angelic and Liam, beneath him, feels unworthy. He touches Louis’s torso, letting his fingers slide over the skin that he's never imagined he'd be allowed to touch like this.

Louis’ mouth falls open when Liam squeezes his ass and keeps up with the slow grind, but the way his hips rock down, making their cocks bump together implies that he wants more.

“Shit,” Liam whispers, dick aching with each roll of Louis hips.

“I've wanted this for a long time,” Louis admits and leaves Liam absolutely stunned.

“You're just saying that,” Liam replies, but Louis’ eyes, half hooded and all on Liam say otherwise.

Louis shifts, leaning over the edge of the bet and then sits up again, holding a small bottle of lubricant between his fingers. It’s something that makes Liam wonder if this event was premeditated, if Louis really had wanted this all along.

“I want you to fuck me,” Louis says rather casually. “If you’re up for it.” He’s challenging Liam, pressing down until Liam’s hips buck up with the need for more.

“Have you… done this before?” Liam splays his fingers over Louis’ hips and watches as Louis moves a lube-slicked hand between his own legs.

“Finger fucked myself?” Louis grins, mouth opening slightly at what Liam is sure is the exact moment Louis slips a finger inside of himself. “Haven’t you?”

“Not the point,” Liam answers, feeling the familiar prickle in his cheeks. He watches, heart racing, when Louis rocks above him, fucking himself on his fingers until Liam gives in, grabbing Louis by the wrist. “Let me?”

Louis nods, pulls off of his fingers and sucks one of Liam’s into his mouth, letting it go with a loud pop.

“Hurry, give me the lube,” Liam groans, fumbling with the tube and squeezing enough on his fingers. Louis shifts, and he presses his finger against the tight rim. It’s familiar, not too far off from when he’s fingered himself, his finger immersed in a hot, tight heat when he pushes in.

“Oh fuck.” Louis moans and pushes down to the knuckle. “One more, okay?”

Liam curls his finger, like he’s done on himself so many times before and waits for Louis to lift up, slipping in a second. He’s curious, watching Louis’ mouth drop open when he lowers down again. Liam’s never gone further than a single finger on himself, but Louis, moaning and rolling his hips down, seems well equipped for two.

Slowly, Liam pushes his fingers, twists them and then drags them out, repeating his movements until Louis’ legs tighten around him. That shaking of Louis’ legs subside when Liam presses a second hand to his stomach and instructs him to lift his hips.

“Need you to fuck me,” Louis pleads, giving soft whine when Liam slips his fingers out.

“Are you sure?” Liam knows what he wants, even if the idea makes him nervous. All of those nights alone, when Liam sat up and thought about what he wanted, who he was attracted to, his subconscious always pulled him back to Louis.

“Very,” Louis says with dark eyes, rolling onto his back and flipping open the bottle of lube again. He squirts out a small amount and reaches over, giving Liam’s dick a few quick, slippery strokes. 

Liam crawls between Louis’ legs and stares as Louis pulls his knees up. He settles in between them, hands curving beneath Louis’ thighs to hold him in position. Slowly, Liam leans down and presses a line of kisses along Louis’ jaw, more as reassurance for himself.

“C’mon, just put it in.” Louis wraps his arms around Liam’s neck and kisses, full on and desperate.

Carefully, Liam lines up against Louis’ hole and looks at him, getting a small nod in response. Slowly, he sinks in, feeling the heat of Louis’ stretch around his cock. Liam fills Louis up, pushing in until he bottoms out and Louis is left panting beneath him.

“Fuck me, Liam,” Louis moans, rocking his hips up in response.

Liam rolls his hips down in smooth, steady strokes, finding a rhythm in his movements that causes Louis to arch up in pleasure. He fucks into him harder, faster with each thrust until a jumble of incoherent words that spill from Louis’ mouth.

“Liam, fuck, yeah, there!” Louis digs his blunt nails into Liam’s shoulder blade, bucking his hips up in response and fucking himself on Liam’s cock with matching thrusts. He shifts, and Liam must brush against his prostate, Louis’ whole body shivering before going pliant. “Don’t stop.”

“Wow,” is all that Liam can say, fucking into Louis at the angle that seems to work best. 

Liam can feel the oncoming wave build up low in his stomach, knowing he won’t last much longer. Not when Louis grunts softly with each pull of Liam’s cock and dip that hits Louis’ prostate.

“I, fuck, gonna come.” Louis shudders and it’s apparent he’s doing his best to hold on until Liam says otherwise. He slides a hand down and wraps it around his cock, stroking himself in sync with each and every thrust. 

“Go ahead, come,” Liam coaxes, and wraps his hand around Louis to help guide him in his wanking. He’s just as close.

Louis comes with a shout, voice rough and shaky when he spills hot ropes over their hands and his stomach. It’s a beautiful sight to Liam, knowing that he’s the one responsible for getting Louis there, feeling him clench around his cock as he rides through his orgasm.

Liam thrusts in two, three more times and the hot pull in his stomach takes over. He pulls out just in time, shooting come over Louis’ thigh with a low, dirty moan.

“Shit, Liam,” Louis says, voice hoarse, and pulls Liam in for a kiss.

Cautiously, Liam rolls off, curls against Louis’ side. Wrapping Louis up, Liam presses gentle kisses to lips until they’re both able to breathe normally again.

They’re sticky, sweaty and in desperate need of a shower -- separate or otherwise, but Liam doesn’t care. He’s finally beginning to get a slight understanding of who the true Liam is. 

**

Liam looks off into the horizon as the sun begins to set. The pinks and oranges of the sky cast over the water, making it sparkle for miles and he can’t help but wonder, after so much struggle, if this is exactly where he’s meant to be. Louis sits, cross-legged and drags his finger through the sand, humming softly to himself.

“Leaving a message for the next person?” Liam touches Louis’ shoulder and looks down, expecting to see a name, a date, or maybe some initials. What he actually sees is what he should have expected all along.

“Just an average dick drawing, Payno. Can’t go wrong with that.” Louis smiles proudly, then takes Liam’s hand in his, giving a small squeeze. “About the size of yours.” He grins. Louis always keeps Liam on his toes, with the way he can go from mischievous to sweet in a matter of seconds. It’s just one of many reasons why Liam’s sure he’s fallen for him.

“Mhm,” Liam agrees halfheartedly and presses a kiss to the side of Louis’ head. His hair is soft, slightly damp and smells of saltwater. He almost wishes they could stay forever, hidden away in the little island, exploring one another without the pressure of being in the public eye. “What do you say we head back? Think the other two may be getting a little suspicious.”

“Let them,” Louis says with a wiggle of his eyebrows. “Not like it’s far from the truth, right?”

Liam laughs with a shake of his head. He stands up and brushes the sand from his swim shorts the best he can in the dim light. The sun is just at the horizon, threatening to dip out of view at any minute.

Louis slides the tips of his fingers up Liam’s leg, tickling him until he laughs and looks down.

“Help me up,” Louis demands and holds his hand out for Liam to grab. Liam gives a little pull and Louis springs up to his feet, arms slinging around his shoulders. It’s a remote island, there shouldn’t be any paparazzi nearby, but Liam isn’t taking any chances.

“Hey,” Liam says with a small blush. “Someone might see.”

“And?” Louis tilts his head with a naughty smirk, almost like he’s daring any lurking strangers to look. He kisses Liam square on the nose, making him scrunch it up in response.

“And we’ve got some things to figure out first, don’t you think?” Liam rests his hand on the small of Louis’ back, finding it difficult to look away. Not that he’s sure he wants to -- not that he needs to anymore.

“What is there to figure out?” Louis pulls back and begins leading Liam back towards their bungalow. “I’m hungry, have had to wee for about an hour and I’m pretty sure Niall thinks we’ve hopped aboard a pirate ship and set sea. The important thing is we’re together.”

“Are we?” Liam blinks. They’re together, physically, standing together on the same island. But they were together on New Year’s Eve, when Liam kissed him on the balcony and for the past five years. Together, to Liam, is subjective.

“I’d hope so, we fucked,” Louis scoffs, like it’s that simple.

“That’s not exactly solid reasoning.” Liam doesn’t know how many people Louis’ slept with, but knows he hasn’t dated them all. He knows just about everything there is to know about Louis, save for a few clouded details of his past. 

“I never dated Harry, I hope you know.” Louis wrinkles his nose. It's the forbidden topic that he's always refused to talk about and yet, stands before Liam, ready to open up about it once and for all.

“I believe you,” Liam whispers when the reach the long boardwalk that will take them back to their bungalow. It was something that plagued him for so long, something that now, no longer matters. Harry was right. Louis belongs to Liam.

“Tried, if I’m honest,” Louis says, keeping his eyes on the ground. “Always fancied you, though. Since day one. Poor Harry never had a chance.” When he looks up again, Liam pulls him in for a kiss, fingers finding their way in Louis’ hair.

“So we’re really going to do this then?” Liam asks, lips brushing over Louis’. “Because I don’t know who I am. I can’t label something I don’t understand. But I know for sure that haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. Not even once.”

“I don’t know what I am either, Liam, but I know what I want.” Louis rests his hand over Liam’s cheek, brushing a little bit of stubble with his thumb. It’s a small gesture and yet exactly what Liam needs. “Same thing I’ve always wanted.”

“Then yes.” Liam turns his head into Louis’ touch, taking in the warmth of skin on skin contact. “I’m yours.”

Like Louis, he has a lot to learn. It’s something they’ll learn, together.

**

Niall strums an unfamiliar tune on guitar. It's soft and sweet, one that reminds Liam of the first time they'd all sat around the fire together. They were so young back then.

Now, they’re slightly older and none the wiser, but at the very least, on their way to finding themselves both as a group and individually. 

“Have you two shagged yet?” Niall plucks a string and lets the sound vibrate into the open air. Harry gives Niall a warning look that’s far too fond to be threatening. All it accomplishes is making Niall laugh, which isn’t that difficult of a feat. 

“That's none of your business now is it, Neil?” Louis shakes his head in disbelief, but the small smirk that forms on his lips gives him away.

Liam bites down on his lip and sinks his shoulders down. It isn’t how he wanted the other two boys to find out about them, even if they’ve suspected it all along, long before Liam has.

Harry gives Liam a knowing look and Liam, though slightly embarrassed, smiles in response. Without Harry’s insightful conversations, Liam would have never been given that little push that he never knew he needed. 

“I feel bad for whoever has to clean those sheets,” Niall says with a laugh.

It makes Liam run a hand over his face in a poor attempt at hiding, but Louis, comforting as always, gives his knee pat.

“Keep it up and I’m volunteering you,” Louis shoots back, tossing a marshmallow in his direction. Then, grabbing a second, he holds it up to Liam’s mouth, prompting him to take a bite. “Besides, I could ask the same about you and Harold.”

Liam nearly spits out the marshmallow. He’d been so caught up in his own relationships that everything else around him, including whatever was going on between Harry and Niall, was lost to him.

“What do you know?” Harry sits up straight, narrows his eyes and stares Louis down.

“I know that you spent the day looking for booty.” Louis grins.

“Pirate’s treasure, thank you,” Harry corrects, a slow smile forming.

“Mm, well,” Louis says with a devious look, shrugging. “Doesn’t look like you came back with any.”

Laughing, Niall sets down his guitar, then throws an arm around Harry’s shoulders. Harry leans into his side and they look at each other with matching smiles.

“You lads are the real treasure,” Niall says, beaming when Harry nods in agreement.

“I think,” Liam begins and grabs Louis’ hand unashamedly, weaving their fingers together, “that I’d like to give a speech.” He can feel the warmth of Louis’ hand and the small squeeze in response that lets him know he’s free to speak his mind.

All three boys turn to Liam, each and every one giving them their undivided attention. He isn’t ready to come out of the closet, there’s still so much Liam wants to learn about himself and more importantly, Louis.

“We’ve been through a lot these past five years,” Liam starts, his heart feeling full of love for the three boys before him. “To the ups that we’ve worked our butts off for and to the downs that have made us stronger. To the relationships we’ve lost along the way and to the new ones, helping us find a new way.”

Harry starts a slow clap and Niall joins in. Louis cheers and drums his thigh, his other hand still wrapped up in Liam’s larger one. Liam doesn’t know what’s going to happen after their holiday -- if Louis’ going to move in with him like he’d joked about before or if they’ll spend the summer sneaking kisses and taking long drives. What he does know is that he’s never letting Louis slip away again.

When Liam looks up to the stars, it feels like his universe is finally shifting into place. 

“Kiss him!” Niall and Harry shout collectively, breaking Liam from his moment of bliss.

“Shut up,” Louis murmurs when he tugs Liam forward and their lips meet.


End file.
